Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode · 1 year ago

17 Deceptive Excuses for Abusive Behavior

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Having grown up in an abusive family and now in a relationship with an abusive wife, Bradon believed the excuses constantly dished out to him by his abusive mother and wife. Beaten down, confused, hazy, and exhausted, he sought out help from a therapist. At first, he could not comprehend that he was the victim of abuse. He believed the lies that he was to blame. He thought abuse was only physical. But then Brandon learned it could also be verbal, emotional, mental, sexual, spiritual, and financial.

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...just go to grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism That's grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism. This master class will change your life again. That's grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism Thing is understanding today's narcissist brought to you in part by psych central dot com. And now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Welcome back. Today, we're gonna talk about deceptive excuses for abusive behavior. I'm sure you've experienced the abuse before in the past, and you've heard...

...some of the excuses. And so I really want to go through this with you. This is an excerpt from my new book that is coming out called Abuse Exposed. I'm sure you noticed that I haven't done any podcast recently. It's because I was spending my time working on this book, and it is about ready to come out, and I wanted you to be one of the first ones to actually hear some of the excerpts from the book. So let's talk about deceptive excuses for abusive behavior. Abusers are experts at using deceptive excuses for their behavior, similar to just outright lies. They can justify anything because they cannot or will not accept responsibility for their own words and behaviors. It is almost always someone else's fault. Here is an example that might ring a few bells. Brandon is a great guy. He's detail oriented. He works hard. He...

...cares about his family. But he brings abusive traits from his mother, who is domineering, manipulative and controlling among other abusive traits. Because Brandon did not acknowledge and work through these abuses, he wound up marrying a woman with very similar traits, putting him in the exact same scenario that he was raised in. His wife was very effective at verbal and mental abuse, gaslighting twisting the truth to fit her cause. She controlled the money, prevented him from having access to bank accounts and records, so he didn't really know what was going on financially. After a while, his Children turned on him because he worked a lot. But they were also listening to their mother, who would share half truths and lies to win them over. Brandon trusted his wife and believed the words she dished out at him, beaten...

...down, confused, hazy and exhausted, he sought help from a therapist. At first, he could not comprehend that he was the victim of abuse. He believed the lies that he was to blame. He thought abuse was only physical. But then Brandon learned it could also be verbal, emotional, mental, sexual spirituals and financial. So one muscle that Brandon had to exercise was to learn to not to accept the excuses given to justify the abuser's behavior we made a list, evaluated each of them individually and changed his perspective so that he could refuse to absorb the tossed responsibility. Here are some examples Number one I'm sorry, but...

...any apology that ends with a but is not a really apology. Rather, it is an attempt to pass the blame onto the other person while not fully accepting responsibility. A true apology is expressed with remorse and doesn't point the finger. There is no, but at the end of it, number two, it's all your fault. Blame shifting is a very common tactic that abusive people used to deflect their behavior by pointing out some minor infraction done by the other person. They justify their abusiveness. It's also done to avoid responsibility, admitting to doing wrong or having to see things from a different perspective. Number three You are so much like this statement is typically followed by the name of a person whom either the...

...abuser or the abused despises. The idea is that by saying the victim is acting similar to a distasteful person, Theobald user is absolved for their behavior. It is also a way of making the abuser superior to the inferior victim number four you triggered May. While the statement can be truthful, using past trauma as justification for future abuse is not acceptable. Victims who want to heal use their triggers to identify potentially negative reactions so that they could get better, not so that they can continue to harm others. Being triggered is not a valid excuse for taking advantage of someone. Number five. You make me so angry. Here's a thought. Why do you want to be around someone who makes you angry? No one can make...

...another person angry at some point. The choice to remote is a decision, but if someone is constantly antagonistic white B with, um, clearly the relationship is not on a positive track. Number six. If you treated me with more respect, respect is earned over time. It cannot be commanded instantly. People who demand respect often don't deserve it. Respect should be given in the same measure it is received. Abusive behavior is not justified because of a lack of respect. It does nothing to gain respect and everything to lose it. Number seven. If you didn't react that way, this is another form of blame shifting where the victims responses are used to equip the abuser.

Most victims find that even when they modify their reactions, Theobald user still does the same thing. It becomes a never ending, shifting of expectations designed to keep the victim on their toes. Number eight. Because you don't listen to me. I had Thio. Instead of trying to find calmer ways of addressing an issue, the abuser uses this opportunity to escalate there. Any number of reasons why a person may not be listening in trying to force the matter does not make things better. This is punishment similar to the way apparent speaks to a child. Number nine, if you hadn't done this, is another combination of shifting the blame by highlighting a flaw in the other person. The underlying manipulation is calculated...

...to impose a parent child relationship where the abuser is the authoritarian and the victim is needing correction. Once again, the abuser becomes superior and the victim inferior. Number 10 Your words hurt me. So there is an old saying. Hurt people hurt people. But even if a person is hurt by a statement, they're still responsible for how they react afterward. Being heart is not an excuse for abusive behavior number 11. My whole family is this way. By assigning blame to the family of origin, the abuser minimizes their actions as collective behavior because everyone in the family does it. Then it's okay to continue abusing number 12. It's in the blood.

Instead of using abusive behavior as a means for deciding to change, the abuser says it's part of their personality or someone in the family is the same way that allows the abuser to escape responsibility and assign responsibility to a parent or culture. Again, everyone is responsible for their own behavior. Number 13, you won't take me seriously, so I had to. Abusers are generally die economists, thinkers. Things are either one extreme way or another. There's no middle ground to them. So when the victim minimizes a statement, they are forced to overreact instead of finding an alternative solution. This is a no win situation for the victim. Number 14, you brought this on yourself. This is another version of blame,...

...shifting with an added twist of fortune, telling responsibility by saying that the victims should have predicted the abuse and avoided the subject. Once again, abusers absolve themselves. It is a clever way to cast. Blame number 15. You know what sets me off? Everyone can be set off by something. Anger is a normal and healthy response during grieving, when a person feels violated or being taken advantage of or when someone they love is being harmed. Abusers, however, use their anger to abuse others. Number 16 if you weren't such a name calling is abusive behavior by itself. It demoralizes a person while elevating the abuser to superior status. Using it, instead of apologizing widens...

...the gap further. Don't tolerate this behavior from anyone. Number 17. You're just being sensitive. For the record, sensitivity is a gift, not a curse. This statement takes the positive traits of the victim and turns them into negative ones. It is a reflection of an abuser, not valuing the sensitivity of the victim and instead making fun of the victim for feeling and emotion. Statements that we just reviewed our lame false in deceiving. They're not coming from a place of honesty, love, care or concern for another person. If you caught yourself saying any of these phrases stop. If you're the one that's receiving it, please get help. This exercise really helped Brandon to set some new boundaries with his family and leave his abusive wife. Plus, with his newfound knowledge of abuse, he was...

...able to find someone later on who didn't treat him that way. E hope this helps you in your journey of trying to really understand how abuse impacts you and what to and not to tolerate. If you are in an abusive relationship, my book will be coming out soon. Please look for it. It's called abuse exposed. Thanks for listening to understanding today's narcissist with Christine Hammond Brought to you in part by psych central dot com. For more information, visit grow with Christine dot com.

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