Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 55 · 4 years ago

Abuse Part 1-Mental

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics.

 

www.growwithchristine.com

This is understanding today's narcissist, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Hi, this is going to be part one in a series of eight different podcasts I'll be doing on abuse tactics that narcissist commonly use. The reason I want to focus on this is because so many people don't even realize that they are being abused when it's happening. So we're going to go over what the different types of tactics look like for each of the different eight different categories, and that should be able to help you to see whether or not you are experiencing abuse by a narcissist. Our...

...first one today is going to be on mental abuse, so to give you kind of an example of what that looks like, mental abuse is not the same as like physical abuse, where you can actually see a an, a mark, or verbal abuse, where you can hear something. Mental abuse has to do with how you play with somebody's mind, how you manipulate them into getting them to think certain things or feel certain things, or say certain things or even do things. So it's like an intentional explosion that they use maybe to manipulate you into agreeing with something that you would never do, or it's like insults mixed with rejection, and then they do this little tactic where they pull you back in by giving you some affirmation. So it says back and forth. That kind of happens. It's what we would call mind games, and so I really want to kind of dive into the examples that we're going...

...to go through and I'm going to give you a two different examples for what mental abuse actually looks like, and it's some scenarios to go along with them so that you can get a better feel for this. So the first one is rage. So this is an intense, furious anger that comes absolutely out of nowhere and usually over absolutely nothing. So if you remember back there in the S, there's this movie called Mommy Dearest, if you haven't seen it in a while, it's a good movie to watch just to eat look at kind of what a female narcissistic mother looks like. And in that scenario she just went off on the wire hangers with her daughter and weirdly enough, you can just google that one scene and see it on youtube video fairly easily. But her daughter had used wire hangers as opposed to the padded hangers on a dress and the mom woke the daughter up in a fit of rage and tour through her closet and just was just absolutely losing it because of a wire hanger.

So something as seemingly innocent as that is this rage, and this rage is designed by a person who uses it to startle and shock you into compliance or silence. It's a way of intimidating you and getting you to do whatever it is you want. I also like to call it the giant two year old temper tantrum. So it's not dissimilar to what a two year old actually does when they throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the store because you won't give them what they want. So this is a larger version of it, but it is very intimidating and overwhelming when it actually happens. So that is what the rage aspect of it looks like. So that's the first one. The second mental abuse tactic is a little bit more sophisticated. It is called gas lighting, and gas lighting is making you doubt something about your memory,...

...your perception, to the point that you actually think that you were going insane. So they will a narcissist will claim and give evidence of, like a past wrong doing. You've done something wrong in the past. You made this comment about their mother and they're just not going to forget about it. And maybe it was a mild comment that you might have made, like you didn't like her cooking, but then all of a sudden it turns into you never like anything she ever does and you totally don't appreciate it and you and you let her have it and you yelled at her because you didn't like something, and so it's blown completely out of proportion to the point that you're kind of scratching your head, going did that I really do that? Did I really say that? Did I really tell her that? Did I really lose it? And at some level you believe what they say because you take it for granted that the narcissist is telling you the truth, when in fact they're...

...not. They are gaslighting you. They're trying to get you to believe that something's not true. I'll give a more detailed explanation of gaslighting all by itself because it is so sophisticated, but I just wanted to touch on it briefly just for this session. The next one is called the stair. So you put as soon as I say that. I'm sure you recognize that you've experienced this at some level. So this stair is like this intense look that has no feeling behind it whatsoever. So there's like a flat affect with this intense look that is very, very intimidating. Once again, it's designed to scare you into submission and it's frequently mixed with what the next one will be that we'll talk about is the silent treatment. So you can see the stare like, for instance, you're at a dinner party and you say something in the narcissist doesn't like what you have said and they will just stare you down and...

...look at you and give you like the dirtiest look ever through their eyes. Nobody else knows really what's happening or what's going on, but you know what that look is and you know that if you don't change or apologize or do something immediately, that the backlash on the end of that is going to be fairly severe. That's what a mental abuse tactic is. It is it is letting you be so scared and that moment that something bad is going to happen. Later that you forced yourself to do something that you would normally do, for whatever reason that it is. Maybe it's because you don't think you did anything wrong, or maybe you didn't do anything wrong, but still you're back pedaling because you're afraid of what the end result will be. So next is the silent treatment. The silent treatment is punishment by ignoring. This is very commonly used with covert narcissist. Overt narcissists have a harder time doing the silent...

...treatment, although they can do it, they're just not as good at it or as talented at it as the covert narcissist. That's this is their modus operendous for being able to intimidate a person into submission. So what they do is they punish you by ignoring you and then they let you off the hook by demanding an apology, even though you weren't really to blame for the scenario. This is done to modify your behavior and then they follow that up by like systematically cutting other people out of their lives. So you know that if you don't cave in, you're going to wind up like the trail of what I would call dead bodies, of dead relationships that narcissists have left behind in their wake because they refuse to communicate, touch with, engage with people that they just can't get along with or won't give them what they want. So...

...that is the silent treatment. Number five is projection. So this is also a sophisticated technique, but it is very commonly done. I see this a lot and therapy. So, like a person will come in and tell me that their spouse is narcissistic, blah, blah, blah blah, when really they are the narcissist. And what they do is they come in and they want to be the first in the gate, right. So they want to be, I mean the first out of the gate, the first into the gate, right. So they want to be the ones that kind of get to me before the other person gets to me. So they'll come in and they'll just literally tell me everything they're doing to their spouse as if their spouse is doing it to them. We call that projection. So they project their own narcissism and their own narcissistic abuse tactics onto other people as if they are doing it. So what this winds up doing is it it the real person...

...who's in who's actually the victim of all of this, winds up looking bad in the scenario, and you don't even realize it's happened until it's too late and the narcissist is already won what I would call the spin game in this so projection is an easy way to kind of win a spin game when you're trying to get somebody else to believe your point of view instead of the other person's. Next is twisting. Twisting the truth is very common thing that narcissist will use. So when you confront a narcissist, for example, they like to twist it around and blame you for their actions. So it wasn't because I called you out and told you that you were the dumbest person alive, it was because you made me feel this way, you made me feel bad, and because you made me feel bad, then I reacted this way.

So it all comes back to the other person's fault. They're twisting things around and their systematically blaming other people for what they are actually doing. It's a way of them deflecting responsibility so that they don't have to take on responsibility and so that they can make the other person look like really the bad guy in the scenario, and then whatever offense they've done looks minor in comparison, because will you started it, while you did it, if you hadn't done this, then I would have reacted that way. So there's no like separating out the behaviors and everybody taking responsibility for their own stuff. Number seven is manipulation. A favorite manipulation tactic for a narcissist is to make you fear the absolute worst. So if you already have like a bandimin issues, or you've been unfaithful at any point of time or have this huge fear of rejection, this...

...is a very common tactic that they will use. What a narcissist will do is they will make you fear the worst. So you will fear like you're about ready to be abandoned by them, because they're ready to leave, their walking out the door. I can't believe you said this to me. I am out, you're the worst, I'm leaving right now. And then, but they don't actually leave, they're just trying to make you afraid of it. So then, so then you normally come back and you say I'm so sorry, I don't please, don't leave, because you have a bandom minissues. I'll do anything, and then the narcissist is like, okay, and so so then they wind up saying, well, only because you're willing to say you're sorry am I going to stay. So it's a manipulative thing to get an apology out of you. And again it's a deflection so that they don't have to have any responsibility or ownership. In the scenario, you wind up agreeing to something that you would never normally agree to under this manipulation.

Last is the victim card. So, when all else fails, the favorite mental abuse tactic of a narcissist is to play the victim card, and so they do this in order to gain your sympathy and further control your behavior. So when all of a sudden they're yelling, they're screaming, and then you fight back at some point in time because you're not going to stand for what they've said, and so you push back and then they do the woe is me. I can't believe you would say such a thing, even though they've called you the worst person alive. The fact that you just said that's a terrible thing that you said. I can't believe you would say that, so it gets blown out of proportion. They play the victim. They pull out crap from their past in order to say, Hey, this is what I've gone through and you're using this against me. It's a terrible thing you're being so mean to me. So that's how that's how they wind up doing it.

It is a flipping back the switch. Once again, they play the victim card. So, as a review, we have eight different mental abuse tactics that narcissists tend to use on other people. We have rage, which is a furious anger, gas lighting, which is making you think that you're going insane when you're really not, the stare, that's the look that they give you, the silent treatment, which is ignoring you. Projection, that's where they say to everybody else that you're the narcissist, when really they're the narcissist. Twisting, that's where they take a little bit of truth and they twisted around to make it be something else so that they don't have to take responsibility. Manipulation. So they manipulate you into doing things by by creating a worst case scenario for you, and the victim card. They play the victim card hard when all else fails, because then they get to be the victim and then you are the abuser. So stay tuned for the next ones that...

...we're going to talk about, because we have seven more ways that a narcissist can abuse you. And just remember that when you are the victim of one of these things that a narcissists doing, this is abuse of treatment and it should be called out, identified and dealt with as such. This is not something to be ignored or minimized in any way, shape or form. Whether it is mental abuse or physical abuse, that doesn't matter. It's still abuse and I really want to send that message home that this is not okay. This is behavior that is not acceptable, so be on alert for it, pay attention to it and don't allow yourself to become vulnerable to it. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond, brought to you in...

...part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visit grow with Christine dotcom.

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