Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 53 · 4 years ago

Abuse Part 3-Verbal

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics.

www.growwithchristine.com

This is understanding. Today's narcissist brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Hi. This is going to be part three of our abuse tactics that narcissists use, and today we're talking about verbal abuse. So verbal abuse is kind of obvious as to what that looks like it because it's how a person speaks and it's what they say, and I just want to make sure that we're clear on all of the different ways that verbal abuse is actually used. It's a very powerful abuse tactic because a narcissist can wear you down and then spin you around through the words that they're...

...saying and before you realize it, they've convinced you that what is up as really down and what is down is really up, and that their verbal assaults are not their fault but actually your fault. So it's a way of using words to very quickly intimidate you and while simultaneously demonstrating their superiority and their dominance in a in a situation. So the attack usually catches a person off guard. It's very direct and it because it's caught off guard, they usually get some level of victory from doing that. It's very sharp, direct, curt and hurtful and very painful. They usually go right for the juggular in order to get you to a place of total submission. So a lot of times this begins in secret in a relationship and then it gets expanded out outside of...

...that and when it's done in public, if ever it's done in public, there's always some kind of like super shallow apology that goes along with it, because they don't ever really apologize for what they've done, nor do they stop doing what they're doing. So let's talk about let's break down verbal abuse so that you can see it and how it's done, because a lot of people have grown up in households that there has been some level of verbal abuse in it, and so I want to make sure that we kind of separate out what might be commonly accepted and tolerated from what is really abusive. And and that line can get really blurried depending on the culture that you've grown up in. But but where I draw the line is where it causes a person to feel a sense of belittlement, intimidation, fear, anxiety anger. So when the victim is feeling that way, then it is a very much an intentional...

...attack on someone else. So the first way that they go about this is through their voice tone. So that is the tone, in the volume of the voice. They might escalate the volume of the voice or their tone like a really stern and strong, like they're very kind of intimidating to establish some kind of dominance over you, and they do this two ways. So one way is by yelling, screaming and raging, and then they'll oscillate to the exact opposite way, through complete silence, ignoring and refusing to respond. And their tone about it is kind of like it's this dismissive, can't believe I have to deal with you, you're such an idiot, like that kind of thing, where it's a very dismissive ornery stubbornness that goes along with it, and it also has like this kind of air of pompousness from them that's coming...

...back and forth. So that's the voice tone and what that what that looks like? The next way is through word choice. So words do have meaning beyond their actual definition. A simple word can be used to instill fear, can use to instill intimidation, to manipulate, to oppress others and even to constrain so by using swearing and threatening language, which usually comes fairly easily to the narcissist. They do this to get when you refuse to do anything that they want, they'll immediately resort to your such a freaking idiot, like that kind of thing, immediately trying to get you to come back into where they want you to be if you don't use the same method. So if you don't cuss back at them or do the same thing, their verbal assault tends to amplify. They just escalate it up and get it back. Now,...

I'm not saying that you should all of a sudden adopt language that you're not customary with or comfortable with. What I am saying is that you have to sometimes match tone for tone and sternness for sternness in order to get your point across with a narcissist. The next is the manner of speech. So what you'll find is that the narcissist tends to be very argumentative or competitive or sarcastic and demanding in their speech. They're going to frequently interrupt you, talk over you, intentionally, withhold key pieces of information. They will bully you and even interrogate you so many times. They verbal assault is so rapid that you don't even have the time or energy to fight like point by point, and that's precisely what they want. They don't want you to be able to fight point by point, because then they can constantly prove that they are right and...

...that you are wrong. So it's this very aggressive, assertive, over the top manner of speech that lets no room for feedback or any kind of conversation whatsoever, and once again, it's designed to intimidate you, to overpower you, to overwhelm you. It is a manipulative tactic that people use because in a relationship with someone, you shouldn't be in a position where somebody's interrogating you. That is not, for instance, that is not a healthy relationship. That's more of like a parent child relationship rather than a spouse spouse or a friend friend like that is not a relationship in which everybody's at the same level. It's where somebody has dominance over another person, and that is not a healthy thing, to have dominance over someone else in a very threatening, noncaring manner. The next kind of verbal abuse is personal tax. So mixed in...

...with an assault is like a personal attack, such as name calling, calling you out names, saying things, using all kinds of bad words about you, mocking your response, so like making fun of what you say, belittling it, making it sound like it's stupid, like you're the dumbest person alive for having said that. Defaming your character, so tearing you apart, saying you're such a liar, you're so stupid, you're you, you never managed, you could never do this before, so how can you do this now, and kind of defaming any kind of strong characteristics you might have. You're a weak person, you're you're not able to stand up to other people. So it's this in fear, it's it's trying to create a sense of inferiority, but rating your feelings. You don't really feel that way. Your feelings are stupid, they're invalid. That's not correct. You're not allowed to feel that way. So making you feel like how you feel about a situation is...

...not okay in some way, or judging your opinions like can't believe you think that way. Only only only idiots really think that way. Nobody else would actually come to that conclusion. You're so far off base. I can't leave that you actually believe this. That kind of thing to further add to the confusion, and narcissists will sometimes mix the truth with a lot of criticism in this area. So this kind of like it's a very condemning attack, which leads you feeling very defeated in the end. So you kind of have this personal attack that's coming at you. The next one talks a little bit more about how they are interrupting you. So in narcissist is going to do anything to avoid embarrassment to themselves because that's their Achilles heel, so including going on the defensive over minor infractions by blocking or diverting your remarks. So instead of...

...you being able to say something, they immediately go on the defensive and they interrupt you and they don't allow you to interject or have a conversation their self. Inflated perception is so skewed that they frequently accuse you of making them looking bad. So they kind of like flip the tables and say you're the one that makes me look bad, instead of their own actions or their own behavior or what they've said making them look bad, it's you're doing it to them. So when they perceive an attack, they refuse to take responsibility, become hostile, invalidate or dismiss your feelings, law I and conveniently forget promises or commitments that they've made in the past. Or they'll say something along the lines of, well, I would have done that if you hadn't done fill in the blank, or you add and said or because you feel this way now, I'm not going to do it at all, kind of like in a retaliation form. So that is a verbal abuse when somebody does something like that.

Next is the blame game. So narcissis are masters of the blame game, because anything that goes wrong is never their fault, it's always yours. And they will accuse you of being too sensitive. Well, if you weren't so sensitive, this wouldn't be such a problem. Or they'll be overly critical of your reactions, like I can't believe that you would get upset over something like that. That is just like the dumbest thing to be upset over, or the one up your feelings. Well, you think you feel bad, I feel we even worse, because this happened to me and what happened to you is small in comparison to what happened to me and then oppose your opinions, just flat out opposing what you might believe or what you might stand for. In any case, in any in any essence, you are to blame for the negative condition in which the narcissis finds themselves, and they use the blame game constantly to come at you. The next is sarcasm. So typical...

...sayings that a narcissist will say is something like, I was only joking when I said that. If only you would then I wouldn't have to be this way, or you won't really know how to take a joke, or the problem with you is, and so it's this kind of thing, like they are saying things to you that are very attacking, very accusatory, that make you feel small or little in a scenario, that are shaming to some degree, because they're trying to get you to a place where they are in control and they're in control of how you feel and what's going on. so by making you feel bad, by overpowering you and bullying you through their verbal salts, then they have more control over a scenario. As a result of verbal abuse, most people feel like they can never win and that they're always wrong. What winds up happening is you lose your sense of self esteem and self...

...confidence and feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time and that you're fearful of your own response and are even embarrassed by the behavior that you're experiencing. So the thing is is that with verbal abuse, you're not really going crazy. Verbal abuse, remember, is usually done in secret at first and then it comes out and is exposed much more later. It is real. Verbal abuse is real and can leave you very confrustrated and confused. Be careful, do not agree with anything that a narcissist insists on during a verbal salt. Don't, don't agree to anything weight at least twenty four hours before you make a decision to do anything that they're trying to manipulate you into doing in the middle of a verbal attack, because you will wind up doing something in the end that you will very badly regret. So this is our third section which we talked about verbal abuse and we're going to go on to talk about...

...some more coming up, because there are a total of eight different ways that narcissists have for abuse tactics and I want to make sure you're very clear on all of these, because so many people don't understand this, and then that's how they wind up getting hurt along the way. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visit grow with Christine Dot Com.

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