Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 54 · 4 years ago

Abuse Part 4-Emotional

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics.

www.growwithchristine.com

This is understanding. Today's narcissist brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Welcome back to our narcissistic abuse tactics, and so today is part four of what we're going to call emotional abuse. This is one of those areas that can be very difficult to understand because emotional abuse, again, is not something that you see. It's not like you're getting physically hit by someone. What it is is it's an emotion that's taken and used against you. So if you are feeling anxious, for example, the anxiety is used against you at any moment in order to manipulate you...

...and control you into doing something you don't want to do. So I'll give you this example. The conversation starts with a narcissist having some starts with some good intentions over some issue that needs to be addressed. So like, for instance, they want to talk to you about how the kitchen isn't being clean. That the way that they want it done. So, knowing the propensity of overreaction, you, like are very nice to them, you're very kind and listening to what they have to say and what their concerns are. At first, the narcissist takes everything you say and stride. So then you relax, you kind of let your guard down, and then all of a sudden happens in insigific and comment, just like maybe you glanced away or you wouldn't fully paying attention to them. All of a sudden they say you're ignoring me, you're not paying attention to me, and they accuse you of things that are so far out of what's actually happening. You become very emotional and then...

...you start to react your spouse and turn your the narcissistic spouse, in turn, then uses your emotional reaction to further control you, to have power over you, dominance and even superiority. It is what we call emotional blackmail. However, they take no responsibility for igniting this flame that wound up happening, and you are to blame at every point in turn. So that's just like a simple understanding of kind of what happens with emotional abuse. Again, it's not something that you can see, but it is something that you feel inside of you, and if you feel like you're being manipulated, if you're feel like you're being taken advantage of you probably are listen to your instincts. So I'm going to go through an entire whole long list actually, of several different ways that emotional abuse happens. So please, if you're listening to this like...

...it might be overwhelming at times, you might need to pose it and kind of like absorb what's being said, because it can be quite a bit of information. So the first way we're going to talk about is nitpicking. So what this is like is like it feels like you're being picked apart bit by bit, and that's because that's what the narcissist is doing. They say that your feelings are wrong, your behaviors inappropriate, that you're too sensitive, whatever is important to you as minimized in comparison to their own agenda, and they're constantly nitpicking every little thing to the point that you kind of lose sense of who you are in your own sense of self. That's a form of emotional abuse. The next is surprised. So you're surprised by their behavior. They treat you as a child instead of treating you as an adult, and they discount you in such a way that makes you feel minimized. They shock you by accusing you of things that are so far out of reality of what's going...

...on and try to make you feel guilty by doing so. And then, and then, when you're completely stunned, they sabotage this calm atmosphere with unnecessary conflict, like in order to just get attention for themselves. So it's this constant like I'm going to be surprised at any moment. I never know what I'm walking into. I've no idea what's going to set them off. It's this kind of startle fear response that you're having all of the time. Another emotional abuse tactic is embarrassment. So narcissist detest being embarrassed. It is there Achilles heel, but they love to embarrass you. They do this by sharing your private information without consent, by treating you like a child in front of others, or by exposing some shameful event to people that they really should not be doing it, that they should not be doing, they should not be...

...sharing that event with at all. And narcissists do this because they are trying to get you to the point where you're just fearful of what they're going to say or what they're going to do at any point in time so that you can see to whatever their demands are or whatever it is that they want. That is a form of emotional abuse, because you fear what's going to be exposed and therefore you do something that you don't normally want to do. Anxiety. It's easy to become anxious when you are a questioned about your every move, your motive or your aptitude about things. Yet the narcissist poor behavior or your important conversations are convenient niently forgotten, leaving you to question only yourself. To top IT OFF, they're insecurity demands that you prove your love or commitment to them over and over and over again, but it isn't reciprocal. They don't have to do the same or at the same level that you do.

So it's this constant set of anxiousness at every single little thing that could be happening around you. Another form of emotional abuse is being overwhelmed. You feel overwhelmed from the excessive responsibility that the narcissist constantly dumps on you. A narcissist expects you to drop everything to cheer them up when they're feeling depressed or angry or anxious. Your frequently blamed for their problems or their unhappiness, as as they bombard you with unnecessary and irrelevant information. So is this constant feeling of overwhelmed by, like all this stuff that they literally dump on top of you. But you don't ever get to do that in reverse. That is not something that gets to happen. So it's this unequalness in the emotional dumping. Another form of emotional abuse is being ridiculed. So in narcissist belittles your accomplishments,...

...your aspirations or even your personality, like how you are what you are in front of other people. They minimize what they've said by saying it's only a joke. They do use teasing or sarcasm as a common way to degrade you and mock you. So this constant feeling of being ridiculed is a lot of emotional abuse. Another common emotional abuse tactic, which you probably more familiar with, is guilt, or guilt trippings as we call it. So as soon as you try to do something positive in your life, the narcissists will stop you through the use of guilt. They claim that they should be the most important person in your life and that you owe them their unwavering loyalty, or you're being selfish for taking care of yourself or doing anything for yourself, that somehow you should be doing everything for them because they are the most important thing in your life. It's this constant guilt tripping that is emotional abuse. Insecurity as another form of emotional abuse. So first the narcissist holds you to...

...this unrealistic, unattainable or unsustainable standard and then when you fail, they treat you as inferior. So your thoughts, your beliefs, your values become insignificant, incorrect or even worthless. They may even become verbally abusive at this point in order to reinstill this fact that you are inferior to them and reignite any insecurities that you might have personally. Another common abuse of emotional abuse tactic is confused Usan. So the narcissist confuses you by treating you as an extension of themselves. So you're not like separate from them, you're like this physical extension from them. This becomes justification for their acquired mind reading skills, where they tell you how you actually think or how you actually feel, or their general overreaction to nearly everything that you say and do, because they know what the...

...hidden meaning is behind all that you say and do. Your words become twisted into something that you never really meant. In the narcissis uses these incidences as rational as as a rationalization for withholding from you and chronically sabotaging and then re establishing closeness with you. So they will sabotage, they will push away and rememb'll pull back in as a confusion that they're constantly trying to generate within you, which is a form of verbal abuse. Another form of verbal abuse is shaming. So when the manipulation is right, shame is a very, very powerful motivator, and I'm going to do a whole entire episode just on shame tactics all by itself. A narcissist shames you by constantly reminding you of your shortcomings, often in a very passive, aggressive or sarcastic way, and or they'll complain about how badly you treated, that you treat them compared to how great they treat you, even though that'm that's not even true. They're just...

...making it up. But they use these little, tiny instances, small, insignificant things that they might have done, like brought you a flower like ten years ago, is evidence that, oh well, I try to be nice to you once, but you didn't really fully appreciate everything I did, so I stopped doing it because you didn't appreciate me enough. Then, therefore, I'm not going to do it for you. That's that's emotional abuse. Another form of emotional abuse is alienation. So a narcissist has a better chance of power and control of other people aren't influencing you, were speaking truth into you. So they belittle your friends and family. They make your social engagements a nightmare. By contrast, they're amazingly charming at their own social engagements, but they make it an absolute nightmare to attend anything that you want them to go. They also restrict your normal communication by interfering with your relationships unnecessarily so that you don't have any kind of contact at all. That's a form of alienation,...

...which is emotional abuse. Another emotional abuse is scared. Scaring you, so a narcissist uses intimidation to scare you into compliance. You become so frightened of what they have threatened to do that you choose the path of least resistance, which is to just give in to whatever it is they want. This is often a reluctant agreement to avoid this larger threat that they are looming over you. So scaring someone is an abusive tactic. Anger is also an emotional abuse. So a narcissist generates an angry response by acting immature and selfish, but accuses you of behaving that way. Then they divert the discussion by preventing any real resolution, especially anything involving any action on their part. Finally, you're set up as as you lose and they win. Option that's the only...

...way out of a scenario. Your anger is is a response to a feeling like you are fighting a no win battle all the time. Then they say that you have anger management problems and that it's because of your anger that I act this way. So they use your angry response, even though they're the ones initiating it and causing it, as a way of furthering emotional abuse. Another form of emotional abuse is hostility. So it's difficult to think of your home as a hostile place, but a narcissist sometimes creates that atmosphere even within the own house. So, for instance, they constantly interrupt you so that you're feeling like you are unheard all the time, or they stock you at home or even away from home, literally following you everywhere you go. They restrict your sleep cycle, like waking you up in the middle of the night, so that you're increasingly tired and frustrated. This creates a very hostile environment for which a person is living and it is a form of emotional abuse.

Another form of emotional abuse is rejection. So if you hate to feel rejection, a narcissist will prey on that. They know that, they figure that out and they go after it. They begin by denying the relevance of your point of view and then they refuse to acknowledge your worth and even withhold love or intimacy to prove their point. Finally, they threatened to abandon you when you refuse to comply to whatever the demand is that they want. So it is a sense of if you don't like to be rejected, they use that against you and as a way of manipulating you and controlling you into doing what you want. That is emotional abuse. Fear is another emotional abuse. Then it is also a very powerful motivator or a terrifying experience. A narcissist will use intimidation, threats, frightening behavior or destruction of your personal treasured possessions in order to incite fear. You become paralyzed, feel hopeless and therefore rely without...

...any question whatsoever, on whatever it is they say just in order to get this to stop. So this is a form of emotional abuse. Fear is all of these tactics that I've talked about are different types of emotional abuse. It's hard to understand what it even looks like, but I'm sure now that I've explained it to you, you can think of times in your life when you have experienced this level of emotional abuse. Learn to recognize in the moment that you are having experiencing emotional abuse, and the best way to stop this behavior is to not let your emotions get out of control in the first place. You are ultimately in control of all of your emotions and if you don't give the narcissist an emotion to use against you, then they have no ground to use. So so don't give in. Don't allow them to manipulate you through the use of your emotional responses. So this is one of the abuse...

...tactics that's hard to see how to identify. It's called emotional abuse and we are going to go on to talk we will talk about seven others. There's a total of eight different ways that you can be abused by a narcissist. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visit grow with Christine dotcom.

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