Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 51 · 4 years ago

Abuse Part 5-Sexual

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this ongoing series, Christine Hammond reveals the toxic ways that narcissists can be abusive in relationships and how you can protect yourself from these tactics.

www.growwithchristine.com

This is understanding. Today's narcissist brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Welcome back to our series that we're talking about on narcissistic abuse tactics, and this is our part five, or we're going to talk about sexual abuse. This is a really important topic to discuss, especially in light of all of the media we've been getting lately about people reporting sexual abuse and what that looks like and sexual harassment in the workforce, and so I really want to be clear about what the different stages look like of sexual abuse, and so the way I'm going to mark it down is we're going to talk about four different stages. So one is the early stage of sexual abuse, then there's what I call the pushy stage, then the third stage is the violence stage and last becomes the exit stage, and at each one of these stages I'm going to give you examples of some things that narcissists do during those time periods. And just mind you that this podcast is maybe a little bit longer than some of the others, but this is a really important topic to cover because sexual abuse can happen both in and outside of a marital relationship. It can happen in a friendship. They can happen in just about any relationship you can imagine, including in a workplace environment. And so the problem is that when you're in a relationship with a narcissist, this type of sexual abuse can be very embarrassing, and so in order to actually get help in this area, it requires you admitting to what's going on, which not a lot of people are comfortable doing, and especially in a marital environment. Some people would even say, well, you're married, too bad, so sad, which is not true at all, because you do have a right in saying with what happens to your own body sexually at any point in time, and no one's allowed to take advantage of you, regardless of whether you're in a relationship with them or not. Now, mind you, not all narcissists use sexual abuse as a mean of domination, but there are some that do, and so this podcast is designed intentionally to kind of highlight that and explain what that looks like. So let's start at the very beginning, which is what I call the early stage of sexual abuse. So a narcissist begins this stage by grooming you. So what they'll do is they'll do mildly in abuse and mildly abusive act to see if you're going to acquiesce. For instance, they might fondle you in front of your parents, or...

...they might demand sexting while you're at work, and these are just like unwanted or embarrassing sexual acts that are designed to catch you off guard then create this feeling of trepidation. It's also a subtle message to others that you belong to them. So it's a way of them identifying in kind of possessing you and marking their territory, not in a very this is not a very comforting thing. This is a way that makes you feel more like a possession than anything else. Now be warned. Some narcissists actually share sexting photos with friends. That can further cause humiliation later on. So if you're being asked to do these things, make sure that they're being deleted, because you don't want anything to come back and be saved and used against you later on. When you confront the narcissist about this behavior, they usually minimize their behavior, saying it's no big deal, you're making a big deal out of nothing, or they try to blame you for it. Well, you know, if you weren't such a tight ass, then I wouldn't have to resort to things like this. Also, in the early stage we see things like verbal assaults. So in the very beginning the verbal comments are very flattering. You are the person of their dreams. You meet all their sexual needs. But as soon as you begin to disagree with the sexual preference, you're accused to being manipulative or controlling. You're openly criticized for your sexual desires or lack thereof. And then sometimes the Commons even turned really vulgar. So some sexual insults or debasing comments about your body can become even more common. You might you might begin to feel like you're not good enough. They might call you a whore or prude. narcissists don't see their partners as individuals with feelings. Rather they are a piece of meat, and this is very apparent in the general way they talk about their sexual partner. So in the early stage we see verbal assaults. We also see jealousy rages. This is very unique to narcissist because they tend to be very jealous people. So the narcissist means that you tell them everything about your previous sexual partners and encounters, to the point that it's very embarrassing and unbelievably humiliating. Then later on they'll use that information to call you a slut or to use your encounters as rationalization for their own indiscretions, either with other people or with you. When you become jealous, they claim that you're being irrational or domineering. Some narcissist might even want you to cover up in public, while others want you to be more provocative in clothing way beyond your comfort level. So, no matter what the outfit, you're accused of being...

...attracted to others, that you are flirting with other people, that you're intentionally flaunting your body and that you might even be cheating. The narcissists will use these accusations then as their justification for furthering the sexual abuse. So you deserve this might be something that they might say, or you asked for this. They're very typical narcissistic responses. They also, weirdly enough, become jealous of pets or children or basically anything that takes your attention away from them. So that's jealousy. Rages in the early stage and the early stage we also see coercion tactics. So what this looks like is, in to persuade you into having sex, the narcissist uses embarrassment, guilt, shame, blame or rage. For them this is not sexual abuse, but it is sexual abuse. Any coerced sexual act is abusive, and if I could highlight that for you, let me say it again to you. Any coerced sexual act is abusive. It is not okay. For example, they insist on having sex after an argument to prove that you're committed to them, or they play the victim card and compel you to have sex so that they feel that they are safe and secure or validated. They might nag you or insults you or become angry and disruptive. They might refuse to allow you to sleep or refuse to allow you to leave until you finally concede into having sex. And when you finally do give in, you disconnect emotionally and hurry up just to get it over because it's all about satisfying them. It is not about satisfaction for you. So again this were still in the early stages and that was a coercion tactic. The next point in the early stage that we see is threatening infidelity. So the narcissist threatens infidelity that if you don't comply with their escalating sexual desires, if you don't change your appearance or if you gain any weight, they are going to have sex with somebody else. They might dangle another female or a male in front of you in order to bully you into doing sexual acts that you are uncomfortable performing, saying, oh, that person would do it or I know that they've done it. To isolate you from family and friends, they might openly joke or talk about being attracted to your friend instead or another person. And when verbal threats fail, the narcissist will actually become unfaithful just to prove their point. So in the early stage we have four areas that we kind of see the beginning part of sexual abuse, which is verbal...

...assaults, jealousy, rages, coercion tactics and then threatening infidelity. Next we move to what I call the pushy stage, and it during the pussy stage. Sex is never enough, no frequency or style of sex is ever enough. Just when you believe that you have reached your boundaries, the narcissist pushes you further and further way beyond your comfort level. When you object, you're ridiculed for your stance and all of the tactics in the early stage are condensed into one rant until you can see. So, just to prove their dominance, they use your opposition as an excuse for pushing you even more. Because you oppose me, I have to do this. There are four ways in which, five ways that we're going to talk about, in which they use the pushy stage. Number one is inciting fear. You begin submitting to unwanted sexual acts out of fear that the narcissists will hit you, leave you, humiliate you, punish you, betray you or withhold money. To reinforce this fear, the narcissists will actually do these acts and then blame you for quote, making me do it and quote, and then demand that you have sex to then prove your loyalty. The pressure to have sex is unrelenting and unforgiving, regardless of your physical condition and sexual desires. So even if you don't want to have sex or you have just had a child, it doesn't matter to them. They incite this fear into you. Have to do it and you have to do it now. Number two is selfish appeals. A classic example of as selfish of selfish sex is unprotected sex, because intercourse is all about how the narcissist feels. They sometimes refuse to use condoms and instead insist that you take full responsibility for birth control or STD or STI protection. It's not uncommon for a narcissist to lie about not having stds or STI's, for them to refuse to be checked and then blame you when they actually contracted or when you contract it. Your concerns over unprotected sex are usually belittled and minimized, because it's all about them and all about what they want. Number three is sexual withdraw some narcissists completely withdraw all sex from their relationship. Any request you might make to have for sex are met with ridicule, rants about your performance and excessive excuses for abstinence. You are the one to blame for their lack of desire. It's never their fault or their responsibility. They will also oscillate between excessive sex and complete withdrawal in order to maintain control and manipulate you...

...into doing whatever they ask. It's a form of manipulation. So that's sexual withdraw number four is ultimatums. For the NARCISSIST, your body is theirs and their body is theirs. Did you hear what I said? Your Body is theirs and their body is theirs. Therefore, they feel entitled to give you ultimatums about your body. You have to lose weight or exercise more or groom yourself in a certain way in order to keep them satisfied. You could be in the hospital sick, and if the narcissist wants to have sex, you're required to meet their needs. You are forced into pregnancy or have an abortion because it is what they want, not because what you want. You are not allowed to breastfeed your baby because they don't like how your breast look, because you do it. So those are ultimatums that are commonly given. Number five is destroying of your principles. So, prior to meeting the narcissists, you probably had some standards of what was acceptable sexually and what you were comfortable with sexually. For instance, participating in pornography, prostitution, having multiple partners at one time or x with the animals might be completely out of the question for you. But now the narcissist argument for bending your principle seems very compelling and you begin to believe the lie that if you submit into the act just one time then they'll be satisfied and no more will be required of you. So they persuade you into having sex with someone else while they watch you, or while you watch them having sex with someone else. They might record you having sex without your knowledge and then beg you to watch it with them. But that's not enough. If you withhold sex out of disgusted over your bending boundaries, they become angry, belligerent and sometimes violent. So during the pushy stage we see inciting a fear, we see selfish appeals, sexual withdrawal, ultimatums and, finally, a destroying of principles. Our third stage is the violence stage. So once the narcissists reached the violence stage, sex can no longer be returned back to an expression of mutual love or commitment. They are not able to be excited by such menial emotions or simple intimate acts. It is now all about intimidation, control, domination, power, torture and terror. Not Every narcissist escalates to this level, but many just remain in the pushy stage and they stay fully content in that level, but for those who do advanced these acts sometimes can border on criminal activity. It is the act that is that is criminal, not the nature of your relationship. So it is the act that is criminal, not the nature of your relationship. You can be married and still the victim of a sexual crime. Please hear me...

...on this, because I've heard this happening on numerous occasions. You can be married and still be the victim of a sexual crime. So let's define some of those. We have three categories that I want to talk about. One is rape, and this is not my definition. The FBI defines rape as penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person without the consent of the victim. So this is a good time to kind of like take a pause. Maybe you want to pause this podcast for a minute and just kind of reflect for a moment. has this ever happened to you? You might have made excuses for the narcissist actions in the past, but rape is still rape, no matter what the nature of your relationship is. So please take a deep breath if you need to have a good cry do so and then listen on. We have two more areas to cover. The second one is degrading acts. Degradation is in the eye of the beholder. I want to make sure that we're saying this right. It is in the eye of the beholder. So it's not the person performing the act that gets to decide that, it's the person receiving the act that gets to decide it. The narcissist would not view these acts as degregating, but you might view them as degregating. So if you say it's degregating, then it is. You might even be okay with some of these acts that I'm about to list, or you might not be. Without getting into too many specifics, here are a couple of examples of degregating acts. Urinating on you, having sex while on the toilet or having sex in public places. degregating acts are done to humiliate you and cause you to feel trapped in the relationship, because the end result is the narcissist will say, who would want you but me? After you have done this, nobody else is going to want to have sex with you once they find out that you've done this. Those are degregating acts. Number three is sadistic sex. Again, mind you, it is in the eye of the person receiving the act, not the eye in the person delivering the act, that determines whether this is sadistic or not. So there are two forms of sadistic sexual acts. There's mild, which is also known as s and M and severe, which can lead to death. So my old examples of sadistic sex include master slave role playing, immobilizing you through drugs or alcohol, administering pain, such as whipping during sex, confining you to a cage, tying you up, blindfolding you or clamping your sexual organs. It's important to remember that any sexual act which is not consensual is considered rape.

The severe examples include physical beatings, psychological torture, burning, cutting, stabbing, vampireism and murder before or after sex. A narcissistic sadist will not stop their behavior even when it is identified as such. So even when you point it out that this is sadistic sex, they will not stop doing it because they have gotten to the point where that is really important to them and that's the only way that they can achieve sexual satisfaction. The last stage we're going to talk about is the exit stage. So you can choose to exit the relationship at any one of the above stages. It is all of this is sexual abuse that I have listed. Understandably, some of these abusive acts you may not want to share with others as a reason for your leaving the relationship. That's perfectly normal. It can cause you unnecessary embarrassment, it might increase your humiliation and it might even prolong the hearing the healing process. You're not obligated to explain to anyone why you leave a relationship, but it is likely that you will need some professional help in order to heal. If you've experienced this, sexual abuse leaves scars that are frequently not fully seen until you are in a healthy sexual relationship. So at the end of this I want to talk about post relationship. Be warned that, even after you have broken off the relationship with the narcissist, they do one of two extremes. Either you still belong to them, which happens even after divorce, or they act as if you never existed, since you are still theirs and they are entitled to continue to demand sex even if you are in a relationship with someone else, or they will wipe all the memories or pictures of you out of their life, pretending that the relationship never happened. This narcissistic phenomenon can oscillate between the two extremes at any given time. So in the very beginning it's common for you to be in a state of shock and have intense fear about leaving someone like this. But just reading this information or listening to this information or reading more about sexual abuse is likely to increase your anxiety level in might even cause a panic attack, and that is perfectly normal. You're finally coming out of the fog of abuse and a and a sign of health is that you do react in a panicky kind of state. So you might also experience swings of anger and depression as you start to see your person for who they are...

...rather than the image that they've created. It's okay. That is perfectly normal and it's one of the consequences of having to deal with having been sexually abused. I know this was a little bit longer than normal podcast but, like I said, there's been so much in the media in regards to this. I think it's such an important topic that people really understand what sexual abuse looks like, because it is not okay and it needs to be stand up for and it needs to be fought against. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visit grow with Christine Dot Com.

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