Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 44 · 4 years ago

Dating Apps and Narcissism

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Christine visits with her colleague Nate Webster to discuss dating apps and narcissists, the relationship between this social technology and the behavior of them, and what to watch out for if you are using these apps to find a mate.

 

www.growwithchristine.com

This is understanding. Today's narcissist brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Thank you so much for joining us. Today. We are going to be talking about narcissism and dating APPs. There are so many dating apps out there to choose from and we're going to talk about some of the struggles that you might have as you peruse those dating applications trying to find the next perfect mate. And with me I have nate webster, who is a person I have worked with before. He's also a therapist as well, and he'll tell you a little bit about himself and the topic that we will be talking about today. Hey, Chris, thanks for...

...having me. Yeah, so today we're going to be covering the topic of dating APPs and Narcissism. Do Dating APPS help with the narcissism problem, exacerbate it or make it easier? And so Chris and I are going to be exploring today that topic and see what we find. Great. Thank you so much, nate. Okay, so tell me a little bit about what you are seeing in regards to the dating applications. Is it really becoming a problem for some people? Yeah, so dating APPs I think the recent statistic was one out of three or five people are now meeting individuals through dating APPs, and so the probability of running to an issue with with dating apps is just becoming more common. And specifically with some of the guys I work with, we're seeing a situation where they're just experiencing a lot of misses with the individuals they they meet online, at times even individuals who kind of strike them as...

...as self absorbed or, I guess we would say narcissistic, and so I've been working with that and I've just been really curious to to kind of talk about is it is it making narcissism worse or or better? So when you're talking to people and they come across somebody that's really attractive on a dating APP, do they automatically kind of run it through a could they be narcissistic or not filter, or are they not even thinking about that? Yeah, the thing is most of the time they present really well. They'll be this situation where you'll have a great profile picture and maybe a great kind of personality subscription and and then next thing you know you meeting individual and it's a total disconnect. It's a disconnect from the person you saw online and the person you see in person, and it's almost like at times that the individual is really just kind of using the dating APP as kind of a means to, I guess, kind of explore how great they are and and how interesting they are and...

...kind of using that and other people to kind of just, yeah, do that. So so that's kind of weird. Is it kind of like what we see with facebook with their attempt to get, you know, so many likes and the more likes they get, the more popular they are? Yeah, really is kind of like that. You know, I think the whole dating APP world is kind of set up like an online shopping mall. So you kind of get online and a little bit like facebook, to you just have pictures that kind of display the product of you will, and then kind of a description that that displays it as well. And even using the APP can be very much like like shopping online, and I think for the narcissistic personality that may that may almost be like a wonderland, an opportunity to just kind of display themselves and put themselves on market, if you will. Great. So now what can a person do to try to avoid that trap?...

How can you tell by looking at a profile that they might be dealing with somebody WHO's narcissistic? Or is that even possible? Yeah, so there's not a hundred percent strategy, but I think a good tell is a profile that kind of, I guess, revolves around how awesome the individual is rather than may be kind of a more normal profile which kind of puts together the good and the bad, kind of like a normal person. A narcissistic profile would probably have a lot of pictures of themselves, even though it is a dating APP. But I think that the big teal would be that the individual just seems to kind of project themselves as this amazing gift to to the human dating scene and and that you should pick them. So yeah, so I know from a lot of my clients when they enter in a relationship with the narcissist, that the narcissist appears to be just everything they've ever wanted, and the problem is that you give it a piece, you give it some time and...

...then eventually their true colors show. I had a client who is dating and she was older and she came across someone who seemed perfect. He seemed great, everything she was looking for but he wanted to get married in like six weeks and I told her that was a huge red flag, that that was just moving way too fast, even though you are older. And sure enough, when she put him off and said, yeah, I know, I'm not ready to get married, than he went away, which, you know, just further demonstrated about the narcissism. So what are some other things? Are Stories that you have of experiences like that? Yeah, so I think one of the most telling stories, and and a little sad too, is a young man I worked with WHO, you know, your typical urbanite who had problems meeting people. You know, just had the nine hundred and twenty five and is and his little community here in Soch of Florida, but had a hard time meeting people. And so in his mind he was like, okay, and dating APP would be perfect. It's going to kind of give...

...me a chance to kind of connect. And so he gets online and he connects with a young lady who seemed really Nice, his age, his industry, and they start going out and he reports to me that, you know, things are going well and I'm really happy for him. But before he knew it, he began to realize that that he was slowly turning more into a a debit card than a person that the the individual really liked or appreciated. And it was settle at first, and I wasn't even worried either, but then her true colors really began to show. We started seeing shopping spreeze, we started seeing a relationship that was really built on whether or not the money is going to come. And eventually we hit it. We hit a cross road where we had to say, you know, either the relationships got to move into direction where it's more about the connection, or it can't. It can't continue this is kind of free money dynamic. Well, that's really sad but all too true, and I have seen that as well with some...

...of the narcissists that I've come across. So, like, what are we supposed to do? Like, you're a person who's online, you very much want to meet somebody and you're looking forward to finding a person that has like interest. Like, what can a person do in a situation like that to try to avoid the narcissist? Yeah, well, I think the first thing is to give yourself a break. You know, your first five or ten probably online will be DUD's. But I think after that, you know, keep a watchful eye for people who just just kind of strike you as too good to be true. That old adage too good to be true really applies to to kind of dating as well. You know, humans are kind of a complex mixture of good, bad and ugly, and when you're dealing with individuals who almost seem like they're perfect or habit all together, that's a good tall tale sign that you're probably dealing with somebody either on the narcissistic spectrum or...

...narcissistic. So that's really great, nate. Thank you. And so overall, like, do you feel like the dating APPs are actually feeding the narcissistic ego, like that's become another source for them of getting attention? Yeah, I think. I think, unfortunately, dating APPs have kind of become this new platform to kind of for narcissistic for narcissistic kind of take advantage of and and I guess the ruined to a certain extent, you know, because they they really are attracted to opportunities to showcase themselves and make themselves the center of attention. And what better than this kind of online sharp shop market APP that basically, you know, accentuates the wonders of your personality and the wonders of you are and has people rating you and a comp many of every day, which is what most apps like like tinder, are really based on. It...

...really is just just a wonderland for them, and I think that's why dating APPs kind of in general do attract more individuals with narcissistic behavior. So I'm so glad that we're talking about this because I know that there are a lot of single people who are trying very hard. Maybe they've been in a narcissistic relationship before in the past and the last thing they want to do is fall back into another one, and so this is a very important topic to talk about. Is there any other piece of advice that you would want to give to somebody like that? Yeah, so for individuals you know who are single and are looking for an opportunity to get out and meet individuals, I would just encourage you to a not get discouraged. You know in the process. A lot of good studies of there have been done on dating and honestly, it's a hit and miss until you until you really give it a good try for a while. But the same time, I think you know the old...

...adage kind of attractive person that that kind of you want to be is is a really good addage to kind of live by when dating. You know you are you are a magnet to a certain degree and you have to think about, you know, the kind of the kind of magnet you are. You know, are you attracting someone who you want to be attracting? And to certain agree, becoming the magnet that you that you want to attract people to can be a really powerful way to to have a healthier dating experience and and really possibly find a quicker individuality date and hopefully spouse. So that's perfect. Thank you so much, need for joining us today and if you have any questions for either myself or need about this, please go ahead and feel free to email me at grow with Christine at gmailcom. Will be happy to answer some questions that you might have or especially if you have any comments regarding this,...

...because I know that this is a particularly sensitive subject for a lot of people and we definitely want to make sure that you have the information you need so you don't fall into the same trap, narcissistic trap, again. So thank you, nate so much for joining us. Thanks, Chris, for having me thanks for listening to understanding today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visit grow with christinecom.

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