Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 63 · 4 years ago

E010: Danger Ahead - The Delusional Narcissist


Danger Ahead: The Delusional NarcissistHow does a narcissist go from appearing so charming and innocent to becoming harmful and dangerous? Most narcissists utilize verbal abusive tactics to get what they want in fits of rage, some do long-term mental and emotional abuse, and still fewer escalate to murderous acts. Yet, there is a very small population of narcissists that do commit heinous acts of violence like homicide, murder/suicide, mass murder, or familicide. So how does this happen?


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This is understanding. Today's narcissist brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. This podcast is going to be a little personal for me because it involves one of my very dear friends named Angie, and I'm talking about it with her permission and using her name intentionally, with her permission, and because what we're going to be talking about is what it's like to deal with a dangerous ex narcissist husband, and in her case we're going to call this danger ahead the delusional narcissist. So this is the point where things get really serious and could actually result in the loss of life. So let me back up a little bit and kind of explain the scenario, so you know where I'm coming from. And she's been divorced now from her husband for good seven years and they had two children and during the course of the seven years he has lost more and more custody as the years have progressed to the point that he is not allowed any visitation whatsoever for his irrat like behavior. So this is not just something that has been seen or she talks about. This is also something that has been seen by officials and as a result, there have been consequences that have happened to him. So Angie has since moved on with her life. She got married and is doing quite well. But then the other day I got a really desperate phone call from her. Her narcissistic ex husband started texting life threatening messages to her new husband. Now this isn't the first time, I have to tell you. It's...

...not the first time either she or her new husband had been threatened. However, this time the intimidation tactic was very specific, it was graphic and well within the realm of possibility of what he was capable for. Now, the police were notified, in appropriate protection was put in place to ensure her family safety. But the question still remains. How does a narcissist go from appearing so charming and innocent to becoming very harmful and dangerous? So we're going to kind of explore that and I'm going to explain to you the four different ways that this actually happens, where they actually proceed into violent actions. So we're going to start at the very beginning and I'm walk you through it each step along the way. Most narcissists will utilize verbal abuse tactics to get what they want in fits of rage. Some do long term mental and emotional abuse, and still fewer are going to escalate into murderous acts where they actually carry out the threats that they have been saying. Yet undeniably there is a very small population of narcissists that actually do commit heinous acts of violence like homicide, murder, suicides, mass murder, or even family side. So we're going to explore how this actually happens, how a person goes from one place to another place and in such a short period of time or even quickly. It could happen over a period of years and it could happen over a period of days. But there's there's things that happen prior to a violent act that have to be in place, and so what I want to do is we're in a start off by talking about delusional beliefs. So one of the major magic ingredients is that there has to be a delusion that's present. So don't normally cite Wikipedia, but in this case it had the best definition of what a delusion is. So this is what they say. A delusion is a belief that...

...is held with strong conviction despite superior evidence to the contrary. As a pathology, it is distinct from a belief based on false or incomplete information, confabulation, dogma, allusion or other effects of perception. One. Okay, so let me just back up and kind of summarize what this is. And so what we're calling a delusion is that belief that is held which is unbelievably strong conviction. And, as you know, when narcissist believes something, they believe it with all of who they are and they can talk themselves into just about anything. So that's the strong conviction. And so, despite what the reality of a situation is, a narcissist still believes they're twisted and distorted perception. Okay, that's a delusional belief. They have some type of delusional belief. So in order to meet like the DSM five diagnostic criteria for a delusional disorder, because that's like the next level, the delusion has to last for at least one month, cannot be related in any way, shape or form to schizophrenia, no bizarre behavior and not related to substance abuse. So those three things have to kind of be ruled out as part of it. So that is a delusional belief all by itself, which could turn into a delusional disorder by definition of the DSM five. I'll give you this example. So what happened with my friend Angie is that for several years now, her narcissistic ex husband has believed that if her new husband was dead or out of the picture, then he would become the hero and can earn Angie's love back. He truly believes. Her narcissistic x truly believes that he is protecting in her from her new bully of a husband. Totally ironic there, because her new husband is not a bully. Rather, her narcissistic ex husband is a bully.

So no evidence to the contrary, no amount of talking from other people, no amount of demonstrating to other things, has ever been able to dissuade him from this belief. He believes that that strongly. He knows he's right. He doesn't care what anybody else says, feels thinks. It's irrelevant. What he says goes and that's the way it is. So he has this belief that if her new husband was out of the picture, he could earn her love back and they could get married again. He actually has always said that she will always be his wife like he's one of those that has said that all along. So that is a delusional belief. That's an example of a delusional belief that he is holding on to. When you take that delusional belief and you turn it into delusional thinking, that's the next stage. This is what it looks like. So having a delusional belief in and of itself is not really that problematic. However, when that belief is then normalized within the person's thinking and it's communicated to others, it actually can be. So when they take a belief and they think about it and mull it over and they normalize that it make it to be right and correct and then start basing all other thoughts and reasoning on it. Now can become dangerous us. So and Jie's ex husband believing that he is her hero is not really dangerous. However, when he tries to convince others that his perception is accurate and everyone else is perception is false, then it becomes a problem, which is exactly what he has been in the process of doing. The more people he can get to agree with his delusional belief, the more real it becomes to him, and it just reinforces that delusion and reinforces and builds up and boosts up his narcissistic ego into way bigger than it needs to be. So and she's ex husband to this in several ways. So first he told her that he used flattery, so he told her that she was great for giving him the kids.

This is stuff that he texted to her. Next, he used twisted religious prophecies. So he claimed to be able to predict the future and he knew what was going to happen and so she should just give in because he knows everything. He used deception. He claimed to have text messages from their kids disparaging her husband, none of which happened. He just said that they happened and he claimed to have it, but it was not true at all. That suception. And then he used forced teaming, meaning that he was making her shoes between her kids and her new husband in order to be able to make his point. So He's trying to force her into a box, knowing that Angie will always side with her children because she's always made them a priority, and he's then trying to be on her side along with the kids, with her new husband out of the picture. So that's a forced teaming. So he texted multiple people different things in order to gain more support for his delusional thinking. So he had started off with a delusional belief. He escalated to delusional thinking. He was trying to rope in and gain support from other family members. To do so, he twisted a bunch of truth in order to make it so. And then we moved on to the next step, and the next step is delusional threats. So after failing to gain adequate affirmation for delusional thinking, some narcissists will actually escalate to making threatening, comba comments. So the lack of affirmation is absolutely the key here. narcissist need a constant and consistent supply of attention in order to maintain their self imposed superior superior status. Any declined in this is going to cause them to go into a rage. So threats are an abusive tactic decide to intimidate others and prove their superiority. Normal threats are one thing, delusional threats are completely different.

A delusional threat is based on the fact that we now have a delusional belief that's turned into delusional thinking and now the threat becomes delusional on top of it. So when Angie's ex husband's efforts failed to kind of rally everybody around him to get Angie to leave her new husband so that they could get married again, he resorted to some mild threats and then they started to turn more severe when he didn't get the attention that he wanted to. He began with name calling, like calling her husband a bully, and used intimidation. He said there was nothing that would ever be able to scare him, that you could never like threaten him or scare him in any way because he was more powerful at it. And since he failed to get a rise out of anyone over those mild threats, he then advanced two more veiled threats, like I have been waiting for this day, or renders of his abilities. I was trained by the best police force in the world, and finally one more direct statement where he said my dad was killed this way and you can be too. So it kind of gives you an idea of how the mild threats began to turn more severe. And these are what we call delusional threats. So we started with delusional beliefs, then it turned into delusional thinking. Now we're at a delusional threat and unfortunately, where we end with this is the violent act. So, unfortunately, some narcissists are going to take these delusional beliefs and thinking to the final level of actually acting out their threats. This tends to occur sometime around the midlife crisis point, after a significant loss, such as a career or a family, and can be in and or around a life defacing moment such as a criminal charge or a conviction. There have been stories of people literally taking cyanide in a courtroom just before his sentencing was being given...

...because they didn't couldn't stand the thought of going to jail or committing suicide in ste instead of being caught by the police for some kind of scheme, investment scheme that they were doing. Those are very typical example. These stories literally litter the media as typically no one suspects that they would be capable of violent acts because they seem so charming, they're narcissistic, they get along with a lot of people and it seems to come out of the blue. Nobody really sees the underbelly of what's going on, and so when they actually commit a violent act, I was like, oh my gosh, I never knew. How could they do this. Where did this come from? Well, it had been building up, and where it builds up from is a delusional belief that turn into delusional thinking that escalated to a delusional threat that then turned into a violent act. So in the past, some of Angie's ex husband's delusional threats have resulted in dangerous acts to others. Unfortunately, it was not something that we could actually ignore. He frequently reminds her and her family that he is watching their every move. He has stalked her on numerous occasions and while she personally has not experienced his violence, he his previously harmful behavior is a strong indicator of future action. So we can't ignore what he's done in the past to other people, the fact that he's escalated to stalking now and to see what he is going to look. Unfortunately, the past is an indicator of what's going to happen in the future. So I'm sharing the story with you and she is fine, by the way. Her family is fine. They have lots of protection. But what the reason I'm sharing this story with you is because anyone who is experiencing a delusional escalation from a narcissist to the level of making threatening remarks. You really need to reach out for help. Please be cautious, please get away immediately, but please know that this is a real thing. This isn't something that just like doesn't happen. This is...

...something that does happen and even though they might make a threat and then go silent for a period of time and seem normal, that doesn't mean that it's not actually going to happen at some time in the future. I'm not trying to scare you unnecessarily. I just always believe that it is better to be safe than sorry and that it is better for you to keep your eyes wide open then shut, because if you know that there is a threat or is a fear in front of you and you can see it, you are much able to much better able to count to counter are acted then you are if it comes out of nowhere, those are much, much harder. So narcissist don't do these behaviors out of nowhere. They leave trails. They are not gifted in this area, meaning that they're not sociopathic or psychopathic. So they don't do this in a very clever, sneaking, manipulative manner that's super hard to detect. They leave literally bread crumbs of what they're about ready to do before they do it. Please don't, ever, ignore the bread crumbs, because it could mean the difference between saving a life or not. So the purpose of this article is really to help others that are involved in a relationship with the narcissist, so that you could be aware of just how these delusional beliefs have led to violent acts, and so I pray for the best for all of you, and if you're in this situation, please reach out for help immediately. Thank you. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visits grow with Christine dotcom.

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