Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode · 1 year ago

How a Narcissist Treats a COVID-19 Spouse

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am, with COVID-19 and a stay-at-home order in place, she was immediately worried. On the line calling her was her narcissistic dad, which he hadn’t done since she left home, so she was immediately on high alert.

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...just go to grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism That's grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism. This master class will change your life again. That's grow with Christine dot com. Forward slash narcissism Thing is understanding today's narcissist brought to you in part by psych central dot com. And now here's your host, Christine Hammond. What Theo Given recent rise in covert cases across the country, I thought today would be a great day to talk about how a narcissist treats their co vid spouse. So I'm going to give you the story of Kathy. Kathy woke up early in the...

...morning around 5 a.m. with her phone ringing. She had a stay at home order in place where she was. So she was immediately worried that someone she knew had co vid on the line was her narcissistic debt. Um, and he didn't normally call her at that time, so she was immediately on high alert. Of course, he skipped all of the niceties and immediately started in with what a terrible daughter she Waas. He explained that her mother was sick with co vid and that somehow it was Kathy's fault. He gave no details about her mom's illness, and when Kathy tried to inquire, he abruptly hung up the phone. She tried calling him back, but he refused to answer. Naturally, Cathy went in panic mode. It's wintertime like right now, and despite a huge snowstorm, she risked being on the road, defied her stay at home orders and headed to her parent's house. Her mom was really surprised to see her knowing...

...nothing about the early morning call from her dad. It turned out her mom was diagnosed Cove it, but she was quarantined at home and didn't need any hospitalization. The doctor had given strict instructions for her to rest, sleep, take some medication and reduce all stress in her life. Since they called it in the early stages, there was hope that it would not advance and get any worse. As Kathy and her mom pieced together the panic phone call, they realized what really upset her dad. Her mom was no longer able to do many of the things around the house, and her dad, instead of picking up the slack, wanted Kathy to do the work. Kathy was furious at her dad, but also knew that her mom needed some help. So she stayed. Kathy instinctively knew that she was going to receive a many early morning...

...vague phone calls from her dad going forward. This was going to be the first in a long list of many, so she decided to equip herself with knowledge as to why and how a narcissist treats their ill spouse. Here's what she found. So we're gonna look at it from the narcissist point of view, and then we're gonna look at it from the spouses. Point of view first from the narcissist point of view Number one. Narcissists are not caretakers. In order for the narcissistic ego to thrive, it requires a constant feeding of attention, affirmation, affection and appreciation. While they are pros that obtaining these from family, friends and co workers, there is no Ra Prasit e. Their lack of empathy limits their ability to see that others might need some caring outside of themselves. Expecting this to happen is like asking a snake not to...

...bite you when their heart so number one narcissists are not caretakers. Number two narcissists avoid responsibility. While some narcissists are responsible at work, being this way at home can be an entirely different proposal. In this case, If Kathy's dad accepted any responsibility, that would mean he might have to be held accountable for her mom's high level of stress. For instance, he might then have to god forbid, apologize, change or even stop blaming her. This is too much for his ego, so instead he passed his responsibility to care for his wife onto family members. So number two narcissists avoid responsibility. Number three narcissists aren't servants at the core of caretaking is a servant, since part of the definition...

...of narcissism includes a superiority attitude and an internal belief structure. An indentured servant is not part of that makeup. They physically, emotionally and mentally, cannot lower themselves to that place. So number three narcissists aren't servants. Number four narcissists protect their image. Too many narcissists. A six spouse is not the image of the perfect family that they have created. Part of their superiority comes from defining themselves as better than the average person. They're special and unique. And can Onley be around other special and unique people? A person who is sick is beneath the average person in the narcissists mind and therefore is not someone they can associate with. This is why many narcissists abandoned their...

...spouse at the first sign of any type of long term illness. Number four narcissists protect their image. So the four things about a narcissist when dealing with the sick spouses Number one, they're not caretakers. Number two, they avoid responsibility. Number three, they aren't servants and number four, they need to protect their image. So do you see a pattern, even when their spouses and in need of additional care and concern the narcissists cannot remove their ego in order to provide support? They might guilt trip other family members into helping hire expensive services, picked this time to have an affair and sometimes prematurely hospitalized or even institutionalized their spouse. Or try Thio. It is, after all, all about the narcissist. So let's talk about what happens to the six spouse number one.

The spouse feels abandoned. Most spouses of a narcissists are already accustomed to the unequal balance of caretaking. But one of the reasons spouses stay is that they hold onto the hope that when things get really bad, the narcissists will step up to the plate. After all, the narcissist likes to rescue other people outside the family, so why wouldn't they do it for their spouse? So when this core belief is shattered, the spouse feels a deep level of abandonment, increased insecurity and intense anxiety about the future. So number one is the spouse feels abandoned. Number two spouse blames themselves. Some narcissists picked this time to escalate the verbal assaults on their spouse or go completely silent as a way of expressing their anger over having...

...to deal with the six spouse. This negative talk or isolation is absorbed by the spouses being ultimately their fault for getting sick in the first place. The Narcissus even reinforces this idea by claiming that the spouses improper management of stress is causing their sickness. And none of this is the narcissist fault. So Number two the spouse blames themselves. Number three. The spouse believes the lie not too long. After accepting full responsibility for the illness, the spouses usually hit with another lie. The narcissists will start discounting doctors, minimizing the effects of the illness, parading others around with similar illnesses in an effort to shame their spouse into believing that the sicknesses Onley a mental manifestation of the spouses weakness. This is like pouring salt on an open wound. Any rebuttal from the spouse is very...

...quickly met with anger, so number three the spouse starts believing the lie. Number four. Sadly, the spouse becomes sicker. All of this additional weight from the narcissist is too much for a six spouse to bear, so they become even worse not better. Some die all too early because of the increased stress and anxiety. Many studies have shown that a positive outlook and environment can actually reduce the physical effects of long term illness, allowing some to go into remission or even recover completely. So number four, the spouse becomes sicker. So when the narcissist reacts badly to an ill spouse, the spouse goes through four things. They feel abandoned. They blame themselves. They believe the lies that they're being told, and they become sicker. So let's look back at Kathy. Kathy could no longer watch from the...

...sidelines, so she made plans with her siblings to care for her mom without her dad's help. As frustrating as that Waas, it was Mawr important for her that her mom fully recover. Then, at a later date, she actually confronted her dad about it. But, of course, to no avail. He still didn't accept any responsibility. I say all of this to you right now because there's a chance that you have somebody who is suffering from Cove it and they have a narcissistic spouse. If you do share this podcast with them, give them some encouragement and give them a little bit of extra help. This is not a time for somebody who is sick to be setting boundaries. This is the time for them to heal and get better so that they can confront their narcissistic spouse in the future. Thanks for listening to understanding today's narcissist with Christine Hammond. Brought to you in part by psych central dot com. For more information, visit...

...grow with Christine dot com.

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