Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 14 · 2 years ago

Narcissistic Rescuers: Beware of the Backlash

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The narcissist appears at the optimal time. A grieving family is destroyed over the death of a parent and is in desperate need of emotional stability. A spouse is torn apart by divorce and is starved for normal amounts of positive attention. A friend is destroyed by the betrayal of another and is craving a close relationship for support.

Now, enter the narcissist.  Hidden by a veil of perfection, the narcissist immediately endears themselves to the needy person (pets included) and navigates any personality differences with ease. They are charming, caring, generous, kind, and seem to have it all together. They anticipate the needs of others and come willingly to the rescue without complaint.

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...to grow with Christine dotcom forward slash narcissism. That's grow with Christine dot com, forward slash narcissism. This master class will change your life again. That's grow with Christine Dot Com. Forward Slash Narcissism. This is understanding today's narcissist, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Today we're going to talk about narcissistic rescuers and why you need to beware of their backlash. So let's discuss what it looks like for a...

...narcissist to actually come in and rescue in a situation and what happens during this time period. So first, the narcissist appears at the most optimal time, and I'm going to give you three different examples. So one could be a grieving family who is destroyed over the death of a parent and is in desperate need of some type of emotional stability. The second is a spouse who's torn by divorce and is starved for normal amounts of positive attention, and the last could be a friend who is destroyed by the betrayal of another and is craving a close relationship for support. So those are all this different kinds of stages that could be set. Now enter the narcissist. Hidden by this veil of perfection. The narcissist immediately endears themselves to the needy person, and this could it even include pets or children. And then they navigate any personality difficulties with...

...ease. They're charming, carrying, generous, kind and they seem to have it all together. Exactly what the situation needs. They anticipate the needs of others and they willingly come to the rescue without any complaint whatsoever. The broken family, the spouse or their friend, instantly falls in love and adores the narcissist for the lavish gifts and the net of protection that they seem to provide. The rescuing narcissist feels their admiration and is drawn in even further because the family is meeting their narcissistic need. For the NARCISSIST, this family, spouse or friend gets just how special they are and fully appreciates them for all they do. Again, they're meeting the narcissist need. Finally, the narcissist has...

...found what they are missing in some of their other relationships, someone to rescue. Usually, what winds up happening at the end of this is some type of rebound and marriage or intense close relationship, which often happens super quick with everyone still wearing rose colored glasses, both the people who are being rescued and the narcissistic rescue. You were, but then something happens when the vows of a commitment are made. Whether they're made actual, intensual vows or they are silently made, it doesn't really matter. It's as if the magical spell has now been broken in a harsh new reality is established. The family, spouse or friend no longer needs to be rescued and instead they come to expect the narcissist attention as normal. So they no longer show appreciation for the little things that the narcissist is done. The narcissist, on the other hand, feels...

...unacknowledged, so they withdraw or lash out in anger, and thus the backlash of the narcissistic rescuing begins. So how do you know that you're dealing with a rescuing narcissist? Well, here are some characteristics of it. Number One, once the rescue, were always the rescuer. The narcissist believes that when they enter the other person's life, they rescue them from total devastation. From this point into all of eternity, the narcissist expects to be recognized and appreciated for this one act, regardless of their current behavior. When the rescuing is forgotten, the other their person is reminded of their need to be rescued and immediate gratitude for the narcissist generosity is demanded. So the first point is once...

...a rescuer, always a rescuer, and they expect to be recognized as such. Number two, picture perfect. Watch out, facebook fans. The narcissists will post picture perfect photos of just how wonderful everything is. The narcissist expects others to live up to their strict standards of appearance, especially in public, without considering how they looked before the relationship began. The narcissist doesn't fold into another family unit. They expect others to conform to them. So if what you see is some picture perfect beware, you might be dealing with a narcissistic rescuer. Number three, friendship shift. As time progresses, the narcissists will find fault with friends and family members that are outside of their influence. Anyone...

...known prior to the narcissist becomes a threat and therefore must be eliminated. New friendships are frequently shallow and short lived, because few people live up to the demands of the narcissist. This resolve in a person feeling alone without their previous support and love from family and friends. So number three is a friendship shift. Number four, it's my way or the highway. There is no negotiating with a narcissist. It's either all their way or they will leave, citing the other person's lack of appreciation for their efforts. Threats of abandonment are frequent and inappropriately timed, especially when done in front of children. The kids, who already struggling with abandonment issues, will do nearly anything to keep that from...

...happening to them again. So number four, it's my way or the highway. That's what the narcissistic rescuer looks like. Number five, they have emotional blackmail, the emotional backlash that the narcissist in flicks has a potential for retraumatizing other people who are already experiencing some sort of loss. So, in a desperate attempt to keep the same mistake from happening, these people willingly conform to the narcissists unrealistic expectations. The narcissist knows this and uses it whenever their needs of attention, antion, affirmation, appreciation and affection are not being met. So number five is they use emotional blackmail. Number six shifting compassion. At...

...the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist seems so empathetic about the rescued person in their needs. However, as time progresses, that compassion shifts from the other person onto the narcissist. Now the narcissist demands that every other person is not sympathetic to their needs. Everything is instead turned on its head, leaving this other person to feel even more lost in confused than before. So number six characteristic is this shifting compassion from the person who was needing to be rescued onto the narcissist. Number Seven, Missing Parent Jealousy. One of the things the narcissists will claim is that they are constantly being compared to the missing parent...

...or the other friend. They will even admit to being envious of how much everyone idealize the absent person. Regardless of that statement is true or not, it becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. Once the narcissist has brought this to the family's attention, it is impossible not to compare the two in secretly wish for the issues of the past over the present. So number seven was there's this missing parent or friend jealousy that the narcissist possesses. The last number eight condescending remarks. The backlash results in condescending remarks, which eventually escalate into the other person versus the narcissist. In the case of a family, if the narcissist has successfully alienated each family member and turn them on each other, it becomes...

...the family versus the narcissist. Nevertheless, it is the constant nitpicking that deteriorates the family relationship unit. So the last point in making is condescending remarks. As a review, here are the characteristics of a rescuing narcissist. Number one, once the rescuer, always the rescuer. Number two, picture perfect. Number three, friendship shift. Number four, it's my way or the highway. Number five, emotional blackmail. Number six, shifting compassion. Number seven, missing parent or friend, jealousy, and number eight, condescending remarks.

Just remember that all is not lost, however, even when it is a parent that there is a rescuing narcissist in your life. There is still a chance for hope and healing. The key is early identification and intervention so that matters don't get worse. If you find yourself in a relationship with a rescuing narcissist, it's not too late to get out of it or, if you decide to stay, to recognize what you are actually dealing with so that you don't fall into the trap and feel like you need to be rescued over and over again when you have already been healed. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond brought to you in part by Psych Central dotcom. For more information, visits grow with christinecom.

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