Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 39 · 4 years ago

Shame Based Parenting

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Christine talks about "shame-based" parenting.

www.growwithchristine.com

Whether you're thinking of divorcing your narcissistic spouse, right in the middle of it or have finalized your divorce, the tactics are the same. If this sounds like you, you need to know about Christine Hammond's new master class series how to survive a divorce with a narcissist. In this four hour video series, Christine Hammond introduces the toxic tactics that narcissists use to abuse, humiliate and manipulate you and teaches you exactly how to recognize these tactics and navigate through them with mastery and confidence. How to survive a divorce with a narcissist is a deep dive, a master class that I'll show you how narcissists use tactics like bait and switch, scare tactics, roller coaster ride and child's play. It's how to survive a divorce with a narcissist, a four hour recorded video master class with Christine Hammond. For more information or to purchase to day, just go to grow with Christine calm, forward slash narcissism. That's grow with Christine Dot Com. Forward Slash Narcissism. This master class will change your life again. That's grow with Christine Dot com forward slash narcissism. This is understanding today's narcissist, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Today I would like to discuss something that we don't really talk a whole lot about, which is how a narcissist parents. And we're going to call this shame based parenting, because really it is a specialty of the...

...narcissist. And if you were a child of a narcissist, this is going to sound really familiar for you. You might need to stop this along the way and pause and take a break. You might even find that some memories kick in while I'm discussing some of this. All of that is really quite normal. So take your time with this one. It might be intense. And if you were married to a narcissist, this is a red flag warning sign for you for how a your narcissistic spouse maybe parenting your child, and so you be beat by listening to this, you can then learn how to take action against it and to counteract some of the tactics that they might use to shame your kids so they don't wind up in therapy for a large portion of their lives. So let's talk about this for a second and I'm going to give you an example of somebody by the name of Victor, and I had asked him at one point in time what do you obsess about the most, and he paused for a little bit thinking about it, and but one word kept resonating with him, and in that was shame. So he tried to try and figure out where exactly was that shame coming from and what did it mean? And as he started going back over his childhood and we started recounting some things about his father, a story came to mind for Victor and I'm going to share with you a little bit of the story. He was about five years old at the time and as father, who is very demanding, he was bullying, he was controlling and unbearable, was also an alcoholic as well. So one night, Victor It hurt his dad and what he now knows as a drunken state and he was yelling at his mother. He could vividly remember the sound of her crying, and so he snucked down the stairs to watch what was happening, only to find that his dad was actually...

...grabbing at his mom and hitting her without a second thought. In this huge wave of protectiveness came over Victor. He ran downstairs and got in between them. What happened next is a bit of a blur, but long story short, victor, after the scrimmage, ended up with a broken arm at the hands of his father. They went to the emergency room and victor's father, it's sobered up by this time, but he weave this false story of how he rescued Victor from a nasty fall down the stairs, and then he actually blame victor for getting out of his bed as the reason for the event. Victor was young, he's five, remember, so he accepted responsibility for what had happened. He didn't really feel like he had much of a choice. However, now, as a grown adult, he allowed others to continue to shame him. So his narcissistic father's early conditioning had a knowingly caused this shaming obsession in his life, and when others weren't shaming him, he started shaming himself. This is not a very uncommon narcissistic behavior. But why does a narcissist actually do this? So usually, we've talked about this before. They harbor a deep rooted insecurity that is mass by the narcissism that they cannot tolerate exposing even in the slightest. So in order to self protect from their deep rooted insecurity, this leads the narcissist to manipulatively shame others in an effort to maintain their superior status and deflect any vulnerability. A narcissist, unwilling to feel their own fear, fear or shame, instead diverse it purposefully by causing others to feel the exact same way. So in the case of Victor, his father there was targeting him to reinforce his own confidence, meaning the DAD's own confidence. So, in order to put an end to such harmful behavior,...

...because, as you can imagine, this is quite damaging not only to the child but to an adult, it's necessary to become aware of the ways that a narcissistic parent shames a child. So I'm going to go over some examples and again, this might be hard listening to it, but take your time through it. The first one is what we call historical revisionism. So a narcissistic parent will retell their child's story with shaming commentary favoring the parents purpose. This is frequently done in front of others as a way of discounting any success the child might have accomplished. The narcissistic parent will state that they are trying to keep the child humble for their own benefit, though in reality they are actually causing humiliation for the child. Those witnessing the story view the child in a light filtered by the parent, giving the parent complete control over the situation. So this historical revisionism is basically a narcissist retelling a story that happened to the child that really is very embarrassing. It could be an embarrassing moment when they lost something, forgot something, when they got in an accident, and they are shaming the child in front of others for their own purposes. Next, confidence breaking. A narcissistic parent uses private, detailed information to expose their child at the worst possible time. This is done to reduce the child while elevating the narcissist, and narcissist might even do this just prior to a major life event as a way of undermining any confidence their child might have had. So like at a graduation, would be a typical example of this. After they just want a tournament, for a soccer game would be typical, or even, sadly enough, a birthday party. By breaking the assertiveness the child...

...might have momentarily held or the attention the child might have momentarily held, the narcissist is now back at the helm and can once again, once again is capable of commanding the space. So they take all the attention away from the child because they can't have anyone else having more attention than that. That is what we call confidence breaking. Next, exaggerated faults. Within a narcissistic mind, no one is perfect except for them. So narcissists are very good at identifying the faults of their children even better at passively aggressively commenting on them. This is a way of putting their child in their place. When confronted, the narcissists will often say, I was only joking or simply claim that their child can't handle a joke. Writing it off is something that the child could not maturely handle only highlights the dominating qualities of the parent. So we call this exaggerating faults. Once again, this is where a parent, and narcissistic parent, is putting the child in their place by exaggerating the child's faults so that the narcissist can look better than them. Next, victim card. narcissists are talented and exasperating their child and then using their poor reaction as justification for identifying themselves as the victim, regardless of how aggressively the narcissist incited the child, and angry reaction to the provocation is viewed as shameful. The child, who is conditioned to feel responsible, most often allows the narcissist to play the victim card and thereby surrenders all control to them. So in this case the victim card. We're talking about the narcissistic abuse cycle, where the narcissist flips...

...things around and provokes the child and then the child reacts badly and then the narcissist plays the victim card with the kid. So if you don't know the narcissistic abuse cycle, that is another one of the podcasts. That is something that you should listen to. It will explain this much clearer. That's victim card. Next, blame shifting. Whenever something goes wrong, the narcissist shifts all blame to the child. The child, who may have only made a minor mistake, enables the narcissist to dump more than their fair share of the responsibility on to them. This way, the narcissists takes advantage of their child's vulnerability, they escape responsibility and they leave the child to face all of the consequences. So blame shifting again, is when the narcissist is shifting the blame to the child, and the child might have done something super small, but it doesn't matter, it's all the child's fault. Next, baby talk, and it's not what you think it is. So pay attention. In any narcissistic parent child relationship, the narcissist wants to be seen as the adult, regardless of how much their child might have aged. So we are talking about like adult children of NARCISSIST S S S S. even to achieve this, the narcissist Dick Parent will belittle and condescending ways, such as literally talking down towards the Child, who might even be fifty years old, calling their adult child immature. Again, they might be very mature and very successful, and saying that their adult child needs to grow up, when in fact they might be very grown up. At this point, the implication is that the narcissist is always more mature and has developed beyond the level of their child, regardless of what that might even look like. This tactic is used by the narcissistic...

...parent to maintain superiority despite the status of their their child has obtained. I have even seen narcissistic parents do this two very successful adult children of theirs and ones that have risen above their own social status and even done quite well. And it doesn't matter, because the narcissistic parent is still better. We call this baby talk. Now you can see why I said that this isn't what you think it is. Next we're going to talk about offensive play. The narcissists will use personal tax to put the Child on the defense. Often the child will get so caught up in defending their name or character that they completely miss the attack. Look how defensive you are, you must have done something wrong, the narcissist will counter. This is a checkmate position because the child has nowhere to go. Defending themselves further only plays into the trap and attempting to avoid the conversation. The confrontation allows for proof of the narcissists argument. Cornering their opponent, a narcissist can ensure that the outcome resolves in their favor. So the offensive play is where the narcissist is using personal tax to put the Child on the defense. If they defend themselves, then they look defensive and the narcissists goes after them for that. So it is a terrible position to put a child into, but I see that happen quite a bit. Next, talking above instead of talking down to the child, as we discussed before, which is what we called baby talk, the narcissist on instead talk over the child's knowledge level, even if the child is more intelligent. The narcissist talks and circles with an air of authority to force a child into an inferior position. They will use sophisticated vocabulary, physical pasturing, such as looking...

...down at the other person, and even embellish details in order to disguise the real point of the shaming. The child, no matter what their ability is, still finds themselves unable to fend off the narcissist attacks and turn and in turn, the parent will always orchestrate a win. So talking above instead of talking down is when you actually talk over the child's intellectual level or you talk in circles if the child's more intelligent than you in order to confuse the child. Next and last, we're going to talk about comparing accomplishments. Sadly, this is probably the one that I see the most frequent. It doesn't matter what the child has accomplished. Whether there are child or DART is irrelevant here. The narcissists will claim to have done at first, better and more efficiently. By outperforming the child, the narcissist can minimize their child's accomplishments in comparison to their own. This produces a I can never be good enough feeling in the child and solidifies the parents authority and experience over them. I have seen this all the way into adulthood, way into adulthood, where no matter what the adult child may have accomplished, the narcissist has always done it first, better and more efficiently. So, after all of this, I hope that this helps you to start to realize just how bad shaming, shame based parenting, really is, and certainly for victor this was a huge realization because he realized that that shaming voice in his head had a lasting effect and it would all stem from his narcissistic father. So, in an effort to disguise his...

...own insecurity. Victor's father had developed this unhealthy shaming pattern that's still continuously haunted his son. So what victor had to do was take control of that voice and to separate his own voice from his father's voice that was floating around in his head. But you can't really do that until you know which is which. And by going through these and understanding these tactics that I discussed, victor was able to get to a place of health and healing because he was able to separate out his father's shaming voice from his own voice, and then he was also able to say I'm not going to shame myself anymore. There's no reason for that. It's bad conditioning and with enough time and enough patience with yourself, he was able to totally extinguish all of the shame based self talk that he had developed over the years. You can do this too, it is possible, but you have to start with an awareness first. Thanks for joining us, thanks for listening to understanding today's narcissist with Christine Hammond, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom. For more information, visits grow with Christine dotcom.

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