Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode · 2 months ago

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Among Siblings

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

As sisters, Nicole and Sofi grew up in a two-parent, middle class family. From the outside looking in, things appeared normal and healthy. But for Sofi, life was very difficult. Her sister bullied her, stole prized possessions, would lie and blame Sofi for things that went wrong, physically hit her, and destroyed some of Sofi’s things. Yet, Nicole seemed to charm their parents, constantly making Sofi out to look like the dangerous one.

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...some abuses dangerously obvious. Whileother types of abuse creep into our family DNA in covert ways, keepingfamily secrets, intimidation. The silent treatment and cyber bullying arejust a few examples of the many forms of abuse with troubling outcomes. Oftenvictims ask why did this happen to me or what can I do while abusers willexcuse their behavior, asking why do you make me do this victims and abuserscan rewrite their stories, improve their relationships and break the cyclefor their future generations. In Christine Hammond's latest book, abuseexposed, you will learn the wide range of types of abuse, both overt andcovert the generational links to abuse, what to do before, during and afterabuse, how to confront your abuser, how to talk to a victim of rape, findingforgiveness despite the pain, how to rewrite your story and avoid futureproblems and much, much more. Look for...

Christine Hammond's latest book abuseexposed now available on amazon, This is understanding today's narcissistbrought to you in part by psych central dot com and now here's your host,Christine Hammond. Hi and welcome back today. We are going to talk aboutnarcissistic adult siblings and this podcast is dedicated to a listener whowrote to me and I'm going to read you a little bit about what she wrote andthen we're going to talk about it. So what she's talking about is she has anarcissistic what she believes is a narcissistic adult sibling, she saysher sister is married and financially...

...stable. So all the classic narcissisticbehavior of borrowing money is not there, but she is the only sibling. Umand she is very critical bossy and demanding of everyone around her. Sheexpects absolute empathy and understanding from every person aroundher that she has a relationship with, but then is unwilling to provide anyempathy in return, She's very snippy and when she snaps it loved onesincluding the writer, um it is simply expressing her feelings and then on acouple of occasions when my listener said that she snapped back, she's beingcalled abusive, her sister writes these long, self, critical criticizing emailsif there's ever in a disagreement and there are pages long and she gets veryangry If she doesn't have a reply back to them, she is tried numerous times tohave a very mature approach to the...

...email. But no matter what she does inresponse to these emails, it's not good enough and it's very difficult. So shewrote asking like, what can you do? How can you help, what does this look likewhen you have to deal with a sibling who is like this? So, the first thingthat I want to say is if you have an adult sibling who fits thequalifications of narcissistic personality disorder, what I would dois immediately set boundaries with that sibling. In other words, like even ifthey are your only sibling, I want you to think about this for a second, is itreally worth the aggravation and the frustration that you will experience tohave them in your life and to have them in your life fully. So there's adifference between having somebody in your life, partially in having somebodyin your life fully. If they are fully...

...in your life, then of course they areinvited to everything they attend every function, they are very much a part ofyour everyday existence. If they are partially in your life, then maybe theyattend a couple of holidays and it's a limited contact and you're not havingdaily or even weekly communication with them. If you have a narcissisticsibling, that could be the best thing for you is to just start limiting theamount of contact that you're going to have and it's probably best if you'remarried that you talk with your spouse about this ahead of time, more thanlikely your spouse is ready to be done with the relationship or have limitedcontact anyway, so they're gonna be super supportive with the idea that youset a very healthy boundary. So the boundary could be as simple as like I'monly going to talk to my sibling maybe...

...four times a year and that will be theextent that I'm going to engage. It is something that you don't necessarilyhave to communicate, but might need to communicate with the sibling and in theway you can phrase it is just like your family is going through a lot at thistime and at this moment you just don't have time and energy to invest inthings outside your family unit in and of itself. So you're gonna have to pullback from their relationship and you know, you still want to find out thingsand be involved somewhat in their life, but you're not going to have as activeof a role as before. So it's a little bit of just like pulling back from thescenario so that you can have some space and energy. And I would suggestthat you communicate this, especially if you have parents that are stillalive and let them know what you're doing ahead of time, because therecould be some backlash as a result of...

...it. And you need to have the parentsactually, your parents involved in this. And so that they understand whereyou're coming from. And even if they don't understand where you're comingfrom, at least ask them to respect your limitation and your boundary of havinga limited what we'll call a part time contact um with the narcissisticsibling. The second thing that I would do outside of boundaries is I would goget some professional counseling. And the reason I say this is becausethere's probably been quite a bit of trauma as a result of having thesibling in your life. I had a client one time who came in to see me and shewas really struggling with her boss at work who was narcissistic and so as westarted dealing with that, then what started to come up and I had asked heron numerous occasions, you know, was there any abuse when you were growingup? And she kept saying no, no, no, everything is fine. But then as wepeeled away the narcissistic boss issue,...

...what started to get revealed was thatshe had a brother who was um narcissistic as an adult, but thendisplayed the behaviors as a child and he bullied her quite a bit, not evenjust a little bit, I'm talking full on beating her up, locking her in rooms.The parents would um literally like leave the two kids alone to figure itout for themselves. And so she would get the brunt of all of this and shehad quite a bit of trauma that she had a process as a result of her brother'sbullying of her as a little kid. Now, once we dealt with all of those issuesthen it was even that much easier than to deal with her narcissistic boss. Sothe first thing I'm gonna say to you is make sure you have a clear boundary oflike a part time relationship, not a full time. The second thing I'mrecommending is that you get some...

...counseling because more than likely youhave some trauma from your childhood that you have not yet fully dealt with.And then the third thing I'm going to say to you is the importance of movingforward as a family and understanding what narcissism even is now, not thatyou have to explain it to your Children, what it is, but what you can start todo is show them that certain behaviors, whether it's on tv or whether it's on avideo game are unacceptable or when they're experiencing bullying at school,that that's not okay and what does it look like when adults still bully otheradults so that your kids start the process of being able to see andunderstand that this type of behavior isn't okay itself. The important partof doing this is that we really want the kids, if there ever around there inthis case narcissistic and again that...

...they're immediately going to recognizethat behavior now that they have had a period of like break from having to seeit all the time and feeling that it's normal, but then if you've educatedyour kids and they're going to see that behavior is not being healthy or normal.So then the likelihood that they're going to repeat that pattern or engagewith others who actually do that type of behavior is less. We've reduced itquite a bit. So it is important that your kids have a sense of um that thisbehavior is not acceptable in, in what that actually helps you actually as theadult then because then your kids are now reinforcing and saying, wow, that'sreally kind of a bullying statement that, and so, and so just said, andthat actually helps you have the courage to stand up and not takewhatever is being thrown at you. So the...

...answer for dealing with a narcissisticadult sibling is really three parts. The first part again is make sure thatyou have a really healthy boundary of a part time relationship so that they'renot full time in your life, so that you do get that break. The second part ismaking sure that you've actually healed from your trauma that you have mostlikely experienced as the result of having had a narcissistic sibling. Andthen the third part is educating your Children so that they can recognizethose behaviors and not fall prey. So I very much appreciate the feedback andthe questions if you have any question that you would like me to answer, youcan email me at grow with Christine at gmail dot com, that's G R O W W I T H CH R I S T I N E at gmail dot com. Thanks for listening to understandingtoday's narcissist with Christine...

Hammond brought to you in part by psych centraldot com for more information, visit, grow with Christine dot com.

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