Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode · 7 months ago

The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse Among Siblings

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

As sisters, Nicole and Sofi grew up in a two-parent, middle class family. From the outside looking in, things appeared normal and healthy. But for Sofi, life was very difficult. Her sister bullied her, stole prized possessions, would lie and blame Sofi for things that went wrong, physically hit her, and destroyed some of Sofi’s things. Yet, Nicole seemed to charm their parents, constantly making Sofi out to look like the dangerous one.

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...some abuses dangerously obvious. While other types of abuse creep into our family DNA in covert ways, keeping family secrets, intimidation. The silent treatment and cyber bullying are just a few examples of the many forms of abuse with troubling outcomes. Often victims ask why did this happen to me or what can I do while abusers will excuse their behavior, asking why do you make me do this victims and abusers can rewrite their stories, improve their relationships and break the cycle for their future generations. In Christine Hammond's latest book, abuse exposed, you will learn the wide range of types of abuse, both overt and covert the generational links to abuse, what to do before, during and after abuse, how to confront your abuser, how to talk to a victim of rape, finding forgiveness despite the pain, how to rewrite your story and avoid future problems and much, much more. Look for...

Christine Hammond's latest book abuse exposed now available on amazon, This is understanding today's narcissist brought to you in part by psych central dot com and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Hi and welcome back today. We are going to talk about narcissistic adult siblings and this podcast is dedicated to a listener who wrote to me and I'm going to read you a little bit about what she wrote and then we're going to talk about it. So what she's talking about is she has a narcissistic what she believes is a narcissistic adult sibling, she says her sister is married and financially...

...stable. So all the classic narcissistic behavior of borrowing money is not there, but she is the only sibling. Um and she is very critical bossy and demanding of everyone around her. She expects absolute empathy and understanding from every person around her that she has a relationship with, but then is unwilling to provide any empathy in return, She's very snippy and when she snaps it loved ones including the writer, um it is simply expressing her feelings and then on a couple of occasions when my listener said that she snapped back, she's being called abusive, her sister writes these long, self, critical criticizing emails if there's ever in a disagreement and there are pages long and she gets very angry If she doesn't have a reply back to them, she is tried numerous times to have a very mature approach to the...

...email. But no matter what she does in response to these emails, it's not good enough and it's very difficult. So she wrote asking like, what can you do? How can you help, what does this look like when you have to deal with a sibling who is like this? So, the first thing that I want to say is if you have an adult sibling who fits the qualifications of narcissistic personality disorder, what I would do is immediately set boundaries with that sibling. In other words, like even if they are your only sibling, I want you to think about this for a second, is it really worth the aggravation and the frustration that you will experience to have them in your life and to have them in your life fully. So there's a difference between having somebody in your life, partially in having somebody in your life fully. If they are fully...

...in your life, then of course they are invited to everything they attend every function, they are very much a part of your everyday existence. If they are partially in your life, then maybe they attend a couple of holidays and it's a limited contact and you're not having daily or even weekly communication with them. If you have a narcissistic sibling, that could be the best thing for you is to just start limiting the amount of contact that you're going to have and it's probably best if you're married that you talk with your spouse about this ahead of time, more than likely your spouse is ready to be done with the relationship or have limited contact anyway, so they're gonna be super supportive with the idea that you set a very healthy boundary. So the boundary could be as simple as like I'm only going to talk to my sibling maybe...

...four times a year and that will be the extent that I'm going to engage. It is something that you don't necessarily have to communicate, but might need to communicate with the sibling and in the way you can phrase it is just like your family is going through a lot at this time and at this moment you just don't have time and energy to invest in things outside your family unit in and of itself. So you're gonna have to pull back from their relationship and you know, you still want to find out things and be involved somewhat in their life, but you're not going to have as active of a role as before. So it's a little bit of just like pulling back from the scenario so that you can have some space and energy. And I would suggest that you communicate this, especially if you have parents that are still alive and let them know what you're doing ahead of time, because there could be some backlash as a result of...

...it. And you need to have the parents actually, your parents involved in this. And so that they understand where you're coming from. And even if they don't understand where you're coming from, at least ask them to respect your limitation and your boundary of having a limited what we'll call a part time contact um with the narcissistic sibling. The second thing that I would do outside of boundaries is I would go get some professional counseling. And the reason I say this is because there's probably been quite a bit of trauma as a result of having the sibling in your life. I had a client one time who came in to see me and she was really struggling with her boss at work who was narcissistic and so as we started dealing with that, then what started to come up and I had asked her on numerous occasions, you know, was there any abuse when you were growing up? And she kept saying no, no, no, everything is fine. But then as we peeled away the narcissistic boss issue,...

...what started to get revealed was that she had a brother who was um narcissistic as an adult, but then displayed the behaviors as a child and he bullied her quite a bit, not even just a little bit, I'm talking full on beating her up, locking her in rooms. The parents would um literally like leave the two kids alone to figure it out for themselves. And so she would get the brunt of all of this and she had quite a bit of trauma that she had a process as a result of her brother's bullying of her as a little kid. Now, once we dealt with all of those issues then it was even that much easier than to deal with her narcissistic boss. So the first thing I'm gonna say to you is make sure you have a clear boundary of like a part time relationship, not a full time. The second thing I'm recommending is that you get some...

...counseling because more than likely you have some trauma from your childhood that you have not yet fully dealt with. And then the third thing I'm going to say to you is the importance of moving forward as a family and understanding what narcissism even is now, not that you have to explain it to your Children, what it is, but what you can start to do is show them that certain behaviors, whether it's on tv or whether it's on a video game are unacceptable or when they're experiencing bullying at school, that that's not okay and what does it look like when adults still bully other adults so that your kids start the process of being able to see and understand that this type of behavior isn't okay itself. The important part of doing this is that we really want the kids, if there ever around there in this case narcissistic and again that...

...they're immediately going to recognize that behavior now that they have had a period of like break from having to see it all the time and feeling that it's normal, but then if you've educated your kids and they're going to see that behavior is not being healthy or normal. So then the likelihood that they're going to repeat that pattern or engage with others who actually do that type of behavior is less. We've reduced it quite a bit. So it is important that your kids have a sense of um that this behavior is not acceptable in, in what that actually helps you actually as the adult then because then your kids are now reinforcing and saying, wow, that's really kind of a bullying statement that, and so, and so just said, and that actually helps you have the courage to stand up and not take whatever is being thrown at you. So the...

...answer for dealing with a narcissistic adult sibling is really three parts. The first part again is make sure that you have a really healthy boundary of a part time relationship so that they're not full time in your life, so that you do get that break. The second part is making sure that you've actually healed from your trauma that you have most likely experienced as the result of having had a narcissistic sibling. And then the third part is educating your Children so that they can recognize those behaviors and not fall prey. So I very much appreciate the feedback and the questions if you have any question that you would like me to answer, you can email me at grow with Christine at gmail dot com, that's G R O W W I T H C H R I S T I N E at gmail dot com. Thanks for listening to understanding today's narcissist with Christine...

Hammond brought to you in part by psych central dot com for more information, visit, grow with Christine dot com.

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