Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 19 · 3 years ago

What It’s Like to be the Daughter of a Sociopath

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

“I hate him, with every fiber of my being, I hate him,” Marie said as she looked back on her day. “But while I hate him for this moment, I won’t let the hate linger because I’m not going to give him that power over me.” After years of silence, her bio dad sent a package of weight loss tea to her work. It was his way of saying, “Happy Mother’s Day, I see you. I’m watching you. You need to lose weight.”

This was not the first package of its kind. Over the 30 years of no contact, he would periodically send Marie a newspaper clipping, an article, or random note all with the same weight loss message. Marie knew it wasn’t about her weight, it was his way of sparking insecurity, disapproval, and paranoia in her. He did this to get her back for the years of distance. The packages almost always followed shortly after her brother, who kept limited contact, would have a visit with him.

It took Marie years to unpack the damage his pathology did to her psyche. Sociopaths are gifted at installing bugs into a person’s hardware that can remain hidden for years which slow down the functioning of a person and can even destroy it if left unchecked. But this time, instead of sparking fear in Marie, she used his “gift” as a reminder of the now eradicated lies.

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...behaviors and I was floored for numerous reasons, because I work really hard to work with that population and help them to see the damage that they inflict on others, and I also work really hard with the victims to help them recover from the trauma, and I don't think it does anybody any good to kind of glorify what happens or make light of or minimize the impact that these personalities can have on family members. So I wrote this article. It's called what it's like to be the daughter of a sociopath, and I did it on purpose, and the reason I'm doing this article on about sociopathology and on narcissistic podcast is because I think the same principle applies. It's just that I used a more extreme version because also she has have a hint of narcissism within them. So this is going to be a little bit more on the extreme. But I want to tell you I'm sharing with you a personal story of someone and and it's real and it's sad and and I'm doing it so that you can have a good understanding of what it's really like to grow up with somebody who is a sociopath. So let's start. Marie said one day I hate him with every fiber of my being. I absolutely hate him. She was looking back on her day when she said that. Then she followed up with but while I hate him for this moment, I won't let the hate linger because I'm not going to give him that power over me any longer. After years of Silence, Marie's Bio Dad sent a package of weight loss tea to her work. It was his way of saying happy Mother's Day, I see you, I'm watching you and you need to lose weight. There was no...

...card, there was no message, it was just sent, but Marie knew immediately that it was designed for her, because this was not the first package of its kind. Over thirty years of no contact, he would periodically send Marie a newspaper clipping and article or some random note, all with the same weight loss message. Marie knew it wasn't about her weight. It was his way of sparking insecurity, disapproval and even paranoia in her. He did this to get her back for all the years of distance that she had from him. The packages almost always followed shortly after her brother, who kept limited contact with him, would have a visit with him. It took Marie years to unpack the damage his pathology did to her psyche. So she APP has are gifted at installing bugs into a person's hardware that can remain hidden for years, which slow down the functioning of a person and can even destroy it if left unchecked. But this time, instead of sparking fear in Marie, she used his gift as a reminder of the now eradicated lies that she had in her life towards him. So what we're going to do is we're going to talk about the lies, the lies that he tried to instill inside of her, that were literally little bugs left, and how Marie was able to overcome it in even eradicated so, so that those things no longer held her or bound her or even limited her from being able to achieve her true success. So...

...lie number one that he told her you deserve to be abused. Her reason for no contact with her bio dad was very simple. He was and still is unsafe. Shortly after Marie turned eighteen, her biodad contacted her for the first time in four years, saying that he wanted a relationship with her now that she was an adult. So she tested him. She asked him about a memory of his severe physical abuse. She had witnessed him throwing her baby brother against a wall to keep him from crying. He was less than a year old. He also had beat her mom up until she could hardly walk, and he even had struck Marie when she got in between him and her mom or her brother. He denied doing it all at first, but when Marie insisted that she witnessed it numerous times, he arrogantly owed up to it and said her mother deserved the violence and so did Marie. That was it for Marie. She was done with him when she was eighteen. So the first lie that he told her was that she deserved to be abused. It took Marie a lot of therapy to get past that one, but she realized that she did not deserve to be abused or to be treated in an abusive manner. So she removed herself from any one in every one who was abusive. Later on. Lye Number two, he taught her your only value is monetary. When Marie was twelve years old, she sat at a long conference table with her Biodad, step dad, brother, a judge, a court reporter and several attorneys. Her stepdad wanted to adopt Marie and her brother after...

...years of no child's support, broken promises of visits and random gifts, of which Marie would get her birthday gift on her brother's birthday, not on her birthday. Anne lies about nearly everything. Marie's Stepdad wanted to give them stability. When asked by the judge if they wanted to be adopted, both Marie and her brother said yes. Her biodad was visibly upset that he could no longer have the emotional upper hand, so he turned the conversation towards money, making it clear that he was not walking away empty handed. So the second lie that Marie's Dad taught her was that her only value existed for how much she could be bought for. That was a lie for which Marie carried with her for most of her life, but then eventually she eradicated that and realized that that is just not true, that money does not buy people and that his treatment of her was highly abusive. In that manner, line number three, he tried to teach her you don't deserve me. Marie's Grandmother, her bio dad's mom, would insist on visits when Marie and her brother were younger. These visits were awful, as her grandmother would spend the entire time crying and telling Marie how much her biodad loved her and missed her. Then she would give them the gifts, saying that they were from him, but clearly they were from the grandmother. During one of the visits, her Biodad was surprisingly there. Her grandmother was elated to have everyone together. In an effort...

...to mend the obvious discomfort in the room, her grandmother insisted he expressed his love for Marie and her brother. Her biodad literally turned on the tears and said what was asked in front of his mother, but in a sideways glance towards Marie when his mother wasn't looking, he turned off the tears went cold and flashed a look of you are pathetic for needing anything from me. It was a look of disdain and discussed. So what Marie learned in line number three is that you don't deserve me again, through therapy and actually through being loved in a marriage treasured by your own kids, Marie learned that that's not true at all, that it wasn't her dysfunction that cause that, but rather her bio dad's dysfunction that cause that. Line number four, your life is in my hands. Marie was in the ear with a bruised left eye and a broken right arm when the doctor quizzed her about the fall she had taken. Marie was on a playground and she jumped off a seesaw to get to her crying mother and fell on her right arm. Her mom had called her biodad to take them to the hospital because she didn't have a car. He was furious that she had actually interrupted his day. As it turned out, he was with an other woman at the time and he even cussed out Marie's mom in the car. This was, of course, back in the day when kids actually sat on their parents lap in the front seat of the car. There were no laws about seat belts or laws about kids being strapped in. So when Marie's Biodad went to hit her mom, Marie, who was...

...sitting on her mother's lap, put her head between them and instead receive the blow. Later, her dad warned her that if she ever got between him and her mom again, he would kill her. Line number four that Marie's Biodad taught her is that your life is in my hands. That was something that Marie started to work through again through therapy, to get better from, and she was able to recover from that and realizing that he did not have that power over her, and then she wasn't going to allow him to continue to use fear and intimidation as a way of controlling her. Line number five, you will never be rid of me. The messages Marie's Biodad sent her over the years were reminders of this lie. Her biodad took pride in being like a haunting in her life. Marie was young when her uncle showed up to the apartment in the middle of the day and Astra Mom, are you ready to go? She was told to put only the things she loved the best into one suitcase and they left. Her parents divorced shortly afterwards. On occasion, Marie would ask to see her estranged Biodad, but he would rarely agree. On the few times that he did, he would only say, no matter where you go, I will find you. You can't get rid of me. That was not said with the spirit of love and commitment, rather one of intimidation and fear. So lie number five was you will never be rid of me, which all those little messages that her biodad continued to send to her were constant reminders of his promise that he had made way back...

...when she was smaller. While they were far more lies that Marie's biodad tried to install, these five probably had the deepest impact and greatest potential for destruction in Marie's life. Marie was thankful that her biodad was only a sociopath and not a psychopath. She realized that he was far too ignorant to be at the PSYCHOPATHIC level. However, it was hard for Marie to even find others that could relate to her experience, so instead she made a career out of it. The best way to counteract the lies is to expose them to the light and to help others find a similar path. I share this story with you so that you could have an understanding of what it's like to be the daughter of a sociopath, and I say this because I'm tired of all of the other media that tries to glorify it or minimize the damage or impact that it has on a young child and a developing brain. If your children are in the middle of this and you see some of this damage, don't take it lightly. Please get them some help. Please get them to a therapist so they can start the process of talking it out. It will probably take an enormous amount of time to eradicate all of the lies, but once that happens, what's on the other side of it is so much better. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hamit brought to you in part by Psych Central Dot Com. For more information, visit grow with Christine Dot Com.

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