Understanding Today's Narcissist
Understanding Today's Narcissist

Episode 56 · 4 years ago

Working with a Narcissist

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

This is understanding. Today's narcissist, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom and now here's your host, Christine Hammond. Have you ever noticed how the most arrogant, selfish people seem to rise to the top of the food chain? They wound up becoming bosses or managers or even at high levels of influence? These people can be very difficult to work with and once you identify them as being narcissistic, the good part about that is that they actually are easier to work with and you could ever possibly imagine. One of the things to learn is the is. One of the things to learn is the tricks of the trade of how to work with a narcissist, and that's what we're going...

...to be talking about today. There are four things you need to know in order to work with the narcissist, because every narcissist needs them. Then, if you meet these needs, then you will be in good company with the narcissists and things will go well and, believe it or not, you will actually be able to work with them on a daily basis, regardless of how they act, and behave one of the best examples that we have of working for a narcissist comes from the movie the devil wears product where Meryl Street played this executive who is just over the top and belligerent treated her employees and such terrible manners. But yet, yet, we do see that some people are able to actually work with with that and work in spite of the narcissistic behavior that she displayed. So that's what we're going to discuss. So let's talk about the four different things. There is a tension admiration, appreciation and affirmation and while this is going to sound exhausting at first and and at the very...

...beginning, I will admit that it can become kind of overwhelming to figure out exactly how to make this work, in the end it actually is very productive and it will be productive for you as well as for what other whatever organization that you are working with. I've had the pleasure or misfortune of working with several narcissist so for the many years of my employment. I have been a stockbroker in the past, I have worked for a banking institute, I've been a teacher, I have been a stayathome mom, I've been the president of a homeowners association and now I am a counselor and as a counselor in these various work environments that I've had the opportunity to work in, plus I've also been able to manage my own business. In addition to all of that, I've come across many narcissists. The narcissists sometimes our fellow workers of mind, sometimes they were bosses and a couple of cases they were actually customers, and...

...that can be very difficult because a customer who's a narcissist, well, you have to please them right, because the customers always right, as the mentality when you're working with them, and certainly you have to figure out a way to make them feel like they're right in that they're special in their unique and that is part of the key of it. So that is our first part that we're going to talk about is the attention, giving the narcissist the right amount of attention, because for a narcissist, being ignored is the worst of all evils. It they actually have at absolute heart attack at the idea of being ignored by somebody else, because they are superior and therefore they should be treated as such at all points in time. Now, mind you, this isn't like a tit for tat kind of thing. They have no problem whatsoever disregarding others, especially those that they might even consider inferior, but they will not tolerate under any circumstances being snub themselves. So even small amounts of courtesy...

...are very useful in this regard, regardless of whether or not you get it back from them. So even if your boss doesn't say hi good morning, you say it to him or her, even if they don't receive the kind of even if they don't give you any attention at all or look away or kind of snub you, you still be courteous and be kind to anybody that you wind up working with. This will serve you well in working with narcissists and it's just such an easy thing to do a day. You don't lose anything of yourself in doing it. That that it allows you to be able to get along with a variety of different kinds of people, not just narcissist but others as well. So the next one we're going to talk about is admiration. So remember we have the attention down for the narcissists. admirations a little bit different. None of these to be just very subtle kind of thrown in the middle of a conversation of wow, you do such good job when...

...you work on that, or you work so great with this kind of person, or you know, that idea that you had for that project was really amazing. I'm really impressed. Those kinds of simple statements go a long way in making the narcissists feel like they're being admired. The next one we're going to talk about is appreciate. So we have attention, we have admiration and now we're going to discuss appreciation. Everybody likes to be appreciated every now and then. There's nothing worse than not having somebody thank you on a regular basis for a job that you have done well or for things that you have actually accomplished. But for a narcissist this has to be done almost daily. They need to be constantly appreciated. Remember, at the heart of every narcissists is deep rooted insecurity, so that insecurity comes out and manifest itself and if they are not appreciated, then they will lash out. Sometimes, in order for a narcissist to show that they appreciate others, especially in a work environment,...

...they'll do little gifts like it. They might bring in breakfast one day. They might give small gifts to certain people, and sometimes they're doing this in order, and sometimes they gifts are over the top, like really ridiculous gifts that they're lavishing on somebody else in borders on inappropriate. The reason the narcissist is doing this is because they have peg that person as somebody that they want to be indebted back to them in some kind of way, shape or form. So watch out for those very lavish, over the type gifts. Don't admire other people that you work with. It may be on the recipient end of that, because there is a massive backlash that comes from that. Then narcissist will expect constant indebtedness, at constant gratitude from this other person and and they will constantly make them to feel like whatever they have said or done is not enough. So so that is not something that you want. You do not want to be in the position where the narcissist feels like you are indebted...

...to them. Rather, it is better to give them smaller gifts or smaller acknowledgements or smaller understanding or smaller amounts of appreciation. So a gift could be like asking them for their support on a project. Honestly, it's as simple as that. That shows appreciation. One thank you is not enough. So if you say you know, I really could use your support on this project, your name goes a long way and helping us to just boost. If you don't mind, I just like to see see you on some emails just to show that your supportive of it. That shows a level of appreciation for where they are, what they've accomplished, their sense of power, in their value, in their influence, and that that is even more powerful than like a big overthetop gift. Again, a narcissist will see that as being manipulative. If you do that to them, if they do it to others, you're indebted. So so therein is the rough. Then next one is affirmation. So we've talked about attention, admiration, appreciation, and now we're going...

...to talk about affirmation. narcissist do not, will never admit that they need approval from others, but they really do need approval from others and they need to be affirmed in what they're doing. So demonstrating some kind of unconditional support in a public setting is the key. So this is not about like privately walking up to them or saying hello or trying to affirm them in a private environment. No, no, no, that will not be good enough for the NARCISSIS. It must be done publicly in front of other people, especially people that they feel are their superiors. So this is so true. If you ever have the opportunity, when you see a narcissist in front of somebody that you know that they have some level of respect for, and you say what a great job the narcissists did on something, or how awesome they have been in helping you out on a project, or just how what a wonderful influence that they are or to work with or an inspiration it. Honestly,...

...it doesn't even matter what you say, but if you show some type of affirmation in front of somebody that the narcissist values and sees has been very important, you will have them eating out of your hand for years, literally for years, because because they they will value that. That is the kind of affirmation that they are looking for. A ringing endorsement is really what they need, and validating their feelings reveals like a level of commitment that you have made to the narcissists that you're loyal to them. They see this as loyalty and when they feel like you are loyal to them, they won't betray that at because they need that. They need that in front of other people to kind of like demonstrate. See, this is the kind of support I can get and deserve from others because I am filling the blank. Great, strong, powerful, beautiful, bright, brilliant and and whatever it is that that they are saying to themselves. So, while I know some of this sounds so...

...exhausting, oh my goodness, so much work, why do I have to basically kiss their ass all the time? You don't really have to do that. You can say things that are honest and that are truthful, but at the same time you're getting something in return out of it. At a friend of mine who told me one time, a long time ago, why do anything for somebody else for free when you can get something in return for it? If you're going to do it anyway, you will get some kind of benefit from it. So I'm kind of taking that philosophy and I'm turning it on its head a little bit and saying, you know, the benefit you get from learning how to handle a narcissist at work is peace at work and you will actually be more productive, you will get more done and you might even get at that promotion that you've really wanted, because fighting the narcissist at work will never get you where you want. That you can be for sure of. Then you can probably look behind you at the trail of other people who have worked with the narcissist and seeing just how many terminations have actually happened.

Again, go back to the movie, look at it again. You can see the trail of people who are afraid and intimidated by the narcissists, who haven't really learned had to handle a narcissist in a work environment. But once you learn how to do it, it is a very easy thing to do. You'll find that you can work with the narcissists literally every day, be extremely productive, still be able to be true to yourself and, at the same time, succeed. This is Christine Hammond trying to help you figure out a way to live and work with a narcissist around you. Thanks for listening to understanding. Today's narcissist with Christine Hammond, brought to you in part by Psych Centralcom for more information, visit grow with Christine dotcom.

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